Mistake jokes
Today was the worst day ever. My ex got ran over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
"I know that everyone is allowed to act stupid once in a while, but you’re really abusing that privilege."
Why did the sperm cross the road?
I put on the wrong socks this morning.
What’s the difference between a mistake and an orphan?
At least the mistake was loved.
What caused Captain Hook's death?
He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.
You do not spell "computer" like this; you spell it like this: "cumputer."
Grammar: It's the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.
"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.
"Denise."
"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"
"Tom Junior."
While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.
Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!
Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.
You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.
What did the doctor say to the mother after delivering the baby? Sorry.
Only a city council committee would create this mistake.
Put a fucking playground next to a shitty sewer!
When you go over a speed bump, but you remember that there are no speed bumps in the school zone.
Why did the family get mad at the boy for eating at the funeral? While trying to season his food, he mistook his cremated grandfather for salt.
A is for apple, B is for dyslexia—oh wait, no! That’s D!
Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.
Why were the Twin Towers angry?
They ordered pepperoni, but they only got plane.
A farmer walks up to his farmer neighbor with a jug of milk. The farmer says, "I milked your cow." The neighbor replies, "I have a bull, not a cow."
I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.
Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda?
She thought it was Diet Coke.
Kid: What is the biggest mistake you made in your life?
Parents: Go look above the bathroom sink.
Kid goes and looks, but then he realizes.