Suicide is just freedom, life is just full of pain... Sometimes if you're gone maybe somebody might notice. Feels like life is a maze and the only way to leave is the exit. Nobody notices your pain, your suffering, and that you try your best though everyone notices your mistakes. Life just feels like everyone hates you. Life for me is just faking smiles, I'm not sure how everyone lives such a good life.
When you go over a speed bump, but you remember that there are no speed bumps in the school zone.
I tried to take a fog machine, but I took the wrong one. Needless to say, it was a big mist-take.
A is for apple, B is for dyslexia—oh wait, no! That’s D!
what happens when you accidentally taught your child to call every man daddy?
you find the real one.
A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.
"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.
"Denise."
"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"
"Tom Junior."
what does an orphanage and a hospital have in common?
people go there to fix their mistakes.
Michael Jackson died of shock when he found out Boys II Men wasn't a delivery service.
My ex was an orphan as a child.
I should have taken that as the first sign.
If her parents didn't want her, why would I?
A kid asks his dad why his name is Experience. The dad says, "That's what we give our mistakes."
Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.
Yo mama so fat she ate Saturn and mistook it for bubble gum.
Dear Autocorrect, I never wanted to spell the word "bigger".
A man is meeting a client in Japan, but arrives a day early. When night hit, he went out with a prostitute. They're having sex, but the prostitute kept shouting "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!", so the man thinks he's doing a good job. The next day, the man meets his client and they go golfing, and the client gets a hole in one. The man praises him by going "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!". His client turns around confused and says, "What do you mean wrong hole!?"
The doctor said he had good news and bad news. The good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.
So, I took a poop outside. When I was done, I wiped and got it on my finger. After that, I had Nutella, and I thought the poop on my hand was Nutella, and I licked it. I said, "Daddy chill, what in the heck is this crap?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
What do you call a steak that tastes bad?
A MISsteak.
I was hunting at night for deer, and then I found one and shot it. I realized the deer I shot was actually my ex...
When God created women, it was an accident. He meant to make a man, but then "WHOA-MAN!!"
While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.
Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!
Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.
You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.
