Mishap jokes
Jesus and his friend went fishing. They both cast their lines out, and both of them get a bite, but Jesus's friend misses and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's a bad sentence to say; if you say it 3 times, something bad will happen to you." They cast it out again, and both get a bite, and Jesus's friend misses again and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus replied, "If you say that one more time, something bad will happen." They cast out again, and Jesus's friend's line snaps, and he says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's the last time something bad will happen." The biggest thunderstorm ever seen appeared, and a lightning bolt struck Jesus, and a voice came from the clouds, "Damn, I missed."
Michael Jackson died of shock when he found out Boys II Men wasn't a delivery service.
So a blind guy walks into a bar, and a table, and a chair.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to straighten her pubic hair and burned her balls.
What's red and bubbly and scratches at the microwave glass?
A baby in the microwave!
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? Because she ran away from the ball.
Today my toilet paper ran across the road, but it got stuck in the crack.
Why did Sally get a black eye?
She tried to play patty cake!
Why did Billy fall off his bike?
Because his dad threw a chair at him.
So a blind man walks into a bar.
At least he thinks so.
Three men walk into a bar... you would have thought the last one would have ducked.
"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."
"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."
"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."
"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."
"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."
"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."
"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."
So I was sitting at a bar, right? That fucking waitress came again, and guess what? She brought the wrong drinks again. So I send her away to get the correct drinks. And she came back again, with the wrong drinks!! Obviously, she was retarded. Anyways that's the story about how I met your mother.
Why did the boy get run over?
Sally was driving.
Why did Paul Walker drown?
Because he was too busy carpooling.
A happy mother: "Why is your sister so quiet?! And how did you get super glue stuck on your penis?!"
I was once friends with a schizophrenic emo. He tried high-fiving a tree, but it only left him hanging.
So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."
My dad went for the milk, but he left his wheelchair.
Why did the rapper get kicked out of the grocery store?
He kept dropping the BEETS!