Misfortune jokes
What is the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
What is the difference between me and cancer?
My mom did beat cancer.
What's worse than locking your keys in the car in front of an abortion clinic?
Having to go back inside and ask to borrow a hanger.
What is the worst motivational thing to say to a suicidal person?
"If at first you don’t succeed, try again and again until you succeed."
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clara who wasted away.
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.
F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George smothered under a rug.
H is for Hector done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.
J is for James who took lye by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.
N is for Neville who died of ennui.
O is for Olive run through with an awl.
P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.
R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who perished of fits.
T is for Titus who flew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain.
V is for Victor squashed under a train.
W is for Winnie embedded in ice.
X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.
Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.
Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
Why are orphans bad at Yahtzee?
Because they don't know what a full house is :(
What did the kid say to the orphan?
"Well, at least I have parents!"
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
If you're ever bored, just rape an orphan! What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
I've been hit by several things in my life.
Sadly, never a car.
Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.
"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."
Why do orphans have no parents?
Because no one loves them.
What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?
Optimistic.
My dog stepped on a bee, My child spilt my tea, I drank my hot tea, I broke my bloody knee, Now I'm lying in agony, And I'm devastated with no glee.
(Again, credits to my really funny friend)
The second worst thing to happen to these orphans!
Thankfully, I'm still alive because I fail at everything in life.
Look, I didn't hit rock bottom. I gracefully floated down there like Mary Poppins with an umbrella.
One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles.
The cops arrived and arrested the woman for killing her cheating husband, and the son was sent to child services. (Moral - no one cares about the frkn snail and turtles!)
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Answer: cancer.