Military jokes
I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special Forces.
"Sanderson, fire a warning shot."
"Uhh sir, this is an M32 rotary grenade launcher."
"Ah potato-potato, just pull the trigger."
What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?
The drone guy didn't know either.
What's the difference between a terrorist base and an elementary school?
I don't know, I'm just the drone pilot.
What do you call a Communist sniper? -- A Marxman.
My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.
I own a gun with Nazi rounds and shot a guy who broke into my house. He said, “Did you just shoot me with a Nazi round?” and I replied, “Do you mean Nein millimeter?”
Q: What comes before 47?
A: AK
What do you call an autistic kid with a glock?
Special forces.
Btw, I'm 13.
Two fish are in a tank. One says, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"
When the US Army found Chinese soldiers selling secrets to China, they said, "Looks like we have some chinks in our armor."
I took an hour-long shower. The German officers were looking at me kinda scared.
Why does the United States have such a good military? Because they learn to dodge bullets in school.
A German soldier is walking down the street during a hail storm when a lady suddenly falls over after being hit. He, along with a few others, walk over to her. One man asks, "What happened?" and the soldier replies, "Hail hit her."
So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."
What did the soldier say when he sees a terrorist in a wheelchair?
RC-XD incoming.
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Drop me in Afghanistan with a Dodge Challenger Super Stock, a Mexican named Jose, a 6 pack of Dr. Pepper, a golden SCAR, a pack of chimichangas, and an M4A1, and I'll have the Taliban saying the Pledge of Allegiance in 4 hours.
If you ever feel useless... Just remember that if you ever feel useless... Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with... the Taliban.