Military jokes
To avoid getting drafted, a young man slips into a nunnery to hide from some draft board agents who are after him. Desperate, he approaches a nun and asks her to hide him.
“Get under my robes,” says the nun. “No one will look for you there.” The nun lifts up her robes and the man says, “Hey, that’s a fine pair of legs you have there, sister.”
“Yeah, well if you look a bit higher you’ll see a fine set of balls,” replies the nun. “I didn't want to get drafted either.”
Putin be like, Finland and Sweden are bullying me with NATO, the same NATO that can't even reload a gun! Russians are pussies!
What is the difference between a zebra and a female NCO?
A zebra didn't have to suck and fuck to get its stripes.
I think the military shouldn’t allow trans people, because all they'd do is switch sides.
39, 41, 43, AK, 47... AK-47.
1, 3, 5, M, 9... M-9.
Why does Hitler wear glasses? Because he can Nazi without them.
Why did Hitler lose the war?
Because Göring ate every last airplane, tank, artillery, ship, and ammunition!
During WWI and WWII, the infantry would use shovels as weapons and to dig trenches. I bet they really dig that weapon!
What if Hitler did not say "bombs away," he said "lambs are slayed?"
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special forces.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special forces.
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
American soldier: "Did you come here to die?"
Australian soldier: "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterdie."
What does Marine stand for?
Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Expected.
Q: What do you call 6 gay men in the army?
A: Rainbow Six Siege.
How many gears does a French tank have?
One forward and six reverse.
Someone prank calls a general. The general hangs up and goes, "Kids these days have no respect for their elders. That's why I send them all to die."
Why was the Roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was "Romin" around during war.
What do you call a disabled man with a gun?
"Special forces."
Why does the military recruit orphans?
Because homing missiles don’t target them.