I once had an emo friend doing a course for the marines. He made the cut.
Why does the military recruit orphans?
Because homing missiles don’t target them.
What’s the difference between a school and an ISIS hideout?
I don’t know, I just fly the drone.
School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.
I swear, in America, one school shooter can take good care of hundreds of kids, but hundreds of soldiers can't even win a war. Might as well send all your school shooters over there.
Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exercise. They got up into the air and Jim said, "Okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want." Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, "I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire." Allyn said "What?" as he looked over at Jim.
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Yo mama so fat, when she said, "I want a boat," they gave her a naval ship.
What does an orphan and a military man not have in common? Neither gets to go back home.
Why does the United States have such a good military? Because they learn to dodge bullets in school.
When the US Army found Chinese soldiers selling secrets to China, they said, "Looks like we have some chinks in our armor."
When a clock goes forward, it's tic-tac, but when Rommel goes backwards, it's tactic!
An old man walks to a busy restaurant. He tells the waiter what he wants and asks her, "Can I have a discount? I served in the war."
The waitress says, "Of course, and would you like that meal with sauce?"
"Nein," said the old man.
My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.
Q: What do you call 6 gay men in the army?
A: Rainbow Six Siege.
What do you call a black person with a gun? Black ops.
Chuck Norris didn't join the army, the army joined Chuck Norris.
How do you sink an American battleship?
Have the French build it.
Commander: "Fire a warning shot."
Soldier: "Sir, this is a M32 grenade launcher."
Commander: "Potato, potato, just fire."
Soldier: *fires M32 grenade launcher near a pre-school*
Commander: "They're trying to run, TAKE THEM DOWN!"
What do you call a retreat in war?
A backup plan.
