Military jokes
When a clock goes forward, it's tic-tac, but when Rommel goes backwards, it's tactic!
What do you call a baby on the battlefield?
Free shield!
39, 41, 43, AK, 47... AK-47.
1, 3, 5, M, 9... M-9.
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
What do eggs use in war? Eggk47s get my yolk this is really cracking me up!
They’d probably get shellshocked, wasn’t it all eggcellent? Ok, Ok, I’m headed for the egg-it.
Why did the new egg fell so good? It just got laid.
I once had an emo friend doing a course for the marines. He made the cut.
I took an hour-long shower. The German officers were looking at me kinda scared.
Why did Hitler lose the war?
Because Göring ate every last airplane, tank, artillery, ship, and ammunition!
One time, Little Johnny heard his parents "wrestling" in their bed. So the next morning, he went to rape all the little girls in school. This then led to his demise.
No girls told on him, but when he grew up, he was a raper. He never stopped. In total, "little" Johnny had over 31 sons that he didn't know about. When he was sentenced to jail, he raped all the inmates despite his small figure. He was then sent to the death sentence, "eagle wing" torture style.
His parents were happy he died, and the morbid rapist was put down, never to return again. However, all the sons had his genes, including his MINDSET. They then became a cult and shot down 2014 cops, 471 military members and 72951 males and females. The kids, you ask? Only the males were spared, and taught how to operate the guns. All but 419 females were killed. They soon became the world's strongest empire. No one could stop Little Johnny's sons. NO ONE.
What do you call autistic people with guns? Special forces.
What did the British soldiers say while in the trenches? "Damn, it's windy out here!"
Putin be like that boat is now a submarine!
Chuck Norris didn't join the army, the army joined Chuck Norris.
There was an enemy with a machine gun.
My commander said, "Un-arm the enemy."
So I ran over to the enemy and chopped his arms off.
What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?
RC-XD incoming.
My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.
"Sanderson, fire a warning shot."
"Uhh sir, this is an M32 rotary grenade launcher."
"Ah potato-potato, just pull the trigger."
Why did the cloud apply to stormtrooper training school? He mist.
I swear, in America, one school shooter can take good care of hundreds of kids, but hundreds of soldiers can't even win a war. Might as well send all your school shooters over there.
If you ever feel useless... Just remember that if you ever feel useless... Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with... the Taliban.