Military jokes

What do you call a war dodo named Bob in WW2 and he came from Mars?

Bruno Mars.

What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?

When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.

"Captain, captain, there's a man lashed to the mainmast."

"That's your lookout."

Why were there only 3,000 Mexicans at the Battle of the Alamo?

'Cause they only had 4 trucks.

What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?

Special forces.

What is the difference between an Isis training camp and a school?

Not sure, I just fly the drone.

Your momma's so fat that she's used goods, like the Russian tanks.

When a clock goes forward, it goes "tic-tac," but when Rommel goes backwards, it's tactic.

Your hairline is so bad that they used it as trenches in the World War.

Why was the soldier reading the Geneva convention?

To-do list.

I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, and they got excited and asked if I could drive a B-52.

Yo hairline so large, you could land a fighter jet on it.

What was the last thing that went through PH's head?

Water and smoke.

How do you call an autistic kid with a pistol?

Special forces.

My grandpa was the best soldier ever. He gunned down over 100 soldiers in his bunker during D-Day.

Yo, if Russia comes to the USA, just know their reboot cards don't expire.

What's the difference between a terrorist base and an elementary school?

— Don't ask me. How should I know? I'm just the drone pilot.

My friend was in Afghanistan when he saw someone got shot, and then they bombed him. Now he called them the "Talkwakers."

I could have sworn while watching anime I saw an American Boeing B-29 Superfortress in the background dropping bombs!

One time, Little Johnny heard his parents "wrestling" in their bed. So the next morning, he went to rape all the little girls in school. This then led to his demise.

No girls told on him, but when he grew up, he was a raper. He never stopped. In total, "little" Johnny had over 31 sons that he didn't know about. When he was sentenced to jail, he raped all the inmates despite his small figure. He was then sent to the death sentence, "eagle wing" torture style.

His parents were happy he died, and the morbid rapist was put down, never to return again. However, all the sons had his genes, including his MINDSET. They then became a cult and shot down 2014 cops, 471 military members and 72951 males and females. The kids, you ask? Only the males were spared, and taught how to operate the guns. All but 419 females were killed. They soon became the world's strongest empire. No one could stop Little Johnny's sons. NO ONE.