I'm going to pull out your lungs faster than Joe Biden pulled troops out of Afghanistan.
Military Jokes
Why are we still fighting in darkness?
"Mission failed, soldier, we will get 'em next time."
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
An old man walks to a busy restaurant. He tells the waiter what he wants and asks her, "Can I have a discount? I served in the war."
The waitress says, "Of course, and would you like that meal with sauce?"
"Nein," said the old man.
What do you call a war dodo named Bob in WW2 and he came from Mars?
Bruno Mars.
What's the difference between a terrorist base and an elementary school?
— Don't ask me. How should I know? I'm just the drone pilot.
Drop me in Afghanistan with a cigar, a Kobe jersey, a MAC-10, a Lambo Huracan with a bumper delete, and a Toyota Tacoma with an M249 on the back. Then I'll have Afghanistan as the 51st state by midnight.
Drop me in Afghanistan with a Dodge Challenger Super Stock, a Mexican named Jose, a 6 pack of Dr. Pepper, a golden SCAR, a pack of chimichangas, and an M4A1, and I'll have the Taliban saying the Pledge of Allegiance in 4 hours.
I swear, in America, one school shooter can take good care of hundreds of kids, but hundreds of soldiers can't even win a war. Might as well send all your school shooters over there.
My grandpa died during World War II. He was the best concentration camp guard they have ever seen. RIP.
I once had an emo friend doing a course for the marines. He made the cut.
Q: What comes before 47?
A: AK
My grandpa killed 100 German soldiers; he was the worst German pilot ever.
"Our all-transgender brigade has suffered heavy casualties!"
"What? We haven’t even sent them to fight!"
"They’ve already lost 30% of the unit!"
Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.
Me: Cool, what rank of officer?
Jim: SS.
Me:...
My grandpa's last words before he died in Vietnam were, "What the fuck did I step on?"
What do you call 6 gay men going to war?
Rainbow 6 Siege.
What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?
RC-XD incoming.
My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.
Officer: "Stay back soldiers, minefield!"
Soldier: "Let's clear the field!"
Officer: "Ok!"
*silence*
*explosion*
