Military jokes
What was the last thing that went through PH's head?
Water and smoke.
Why can’t anyone sing “hit me with your best shot” at the veterans ball karaoke?
Because every time she sang the line “fire away,” someone started shooting!
During the Great War, a man holding a machine gun shoots down a swarm of soldiers running on a swamp.
He says: "You came to the wrong swamp, Americans! You came to the wrong swamp!" *He didn't stop firing.*
What hates socialism but still uses roads, police, and says they support the military?
Dumb right wingers.
What do a tank and a warship have in common?
They're overweight.
What can't a Desert Eagle and Barrett do for stealth missions?
They can't be way too loud.
What do you call a Russian rifle that went 1 rank down?
An AK-46.
Why can't we see or sense kamikazes' bombs?
They're out of plane sight.
Q: What do you call 6 gay men in the army?
A: Rainbow Six Siege.
I'm going to pull out your lungs faster than Joe Biden pulled troops out of Afghanistan.
Why are we still fighting in darkness?
"Mission failed, soldier, we will get 'em next time."
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
An old man walks to a busy restaurant. He tells the waiter what he wants and asks her, "Can I have a discount? I served in the war."
The waitress says, "Of course, and would you like that meal with sauce?"
"Nein," said the old man.
What do you call a war dodo named Bob in WW2 and he came from Mars?
Bruno Mars.
What's the difference between a terrorist base and an elementary school?
— Don't ask me. How should I know? I'm just the drone pilot.
Drop me in Afghanistan with a cigar, a Kobe jersey, a MAC-10, a Lambo Huracan with a bumper delete, and a Toyota Tacoma with an M249 on the back. Then I'll have Afghanistan as the 51st state by midnight.
Drop me in Afghanistan with a Dodge Challenger Super Stock, a Mexican named Jose, a 6 pack of Dr. Pepper, a golden SCAR, a pack of chimichangas, and an M4A1, and I'll have the Taliban saying the Pledge of Allegiance in 4 hours.
I swear, in America, one school shooter can take good care of hundreds of kids, but hundreds of soldiers can't even win a war. Might as well send all your school shooters over there.
My grandpa died during World War II. He was the best concentration camp guard they have ever seen. RIP.
I once had an emo friend doing a course for the marines. He made the cut.