Military jokes
How do you call an autistic kid with a pistol?
Special forces.
Russia went from N-95 to M-16 real quick...
What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair? A TANK!
I own a gun with Nazi rounds and shot a guy who broke into my house. He said, “Did you just shoot me with a Nazi round?” and I replied, “Do you mean Nein millimeter?”
Q: What does Pakistan love to do with India when they go to war?
A: Surrender their 93,000 soldiers.
My grandpa was the best soldier ever. He gunned down over 100 soldiers in his bunker during D-Day.
What was the last thing that went through PH's head?
Water and smoke.
Why can’t anyone sing “hit me with your best shot” at the veterans ball karaoke?
Because every time she sang the line “fire away,” someone started shooting!
During the Great War, a man holding a machine gun shoots down a swarm of soldiers running on a swamp.
He says: "You came to the wrong swamp, Americans! You came to the wrong swamp!" *He didn't stop firing.*
What hates socialism but still uses roads, police, and says they support the military?
Dumb right wingers.
What do a tank and a warship have in common?
They're overweight.
What can't a Desert Eagle and Barrett do for stealth missions?
They can't be way too loud.
What do you call a Russian rifle that went 1 rank down?
An AK-46.
Why can't we see or sense kamikazes' bombs?
They're out of plane sight.
Q: What do you call 6 gay men in the army?
A: Rainbow Six Siege.
I'm going to pull out your lungs faster than Joe Biden pulled troops out of Afghanistan.
Why are we still fighting in darkness?
"Mission failed, soldier, we will get 'em next time."
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
An old man walks to a busy restaurant. He tells the waiter what he wants and asks her, "Can I have a discount? I served in the war."
The waitress says, "Of course, and would you like that meal with sauce?"
"Nein," said the old man.
What do you call a war dodo named Bob in WW2 and he came from Mars?
Bruno Mars.