Medicine jokes
My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved!
Why did Grampa pass out? Because of diabetes.
AIDS?
Doctor: I’m sorry, I can’t see you today.
Orphan: Oh, how about tomorrow?
Doctor: No, I can’t ever see you.
Orphan: Why?
Doctor: Because I’m a family physician.
What do we want?!
A cure for Tourette's!!
When do we want it?!
Cunt!!!
Did you hear about the mad who got his whole left side cut off? He's all right now.
Chiropractor: Final neck adjustment in 3, 2, 1. How did that feel?
Me: *silence*
My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.
She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital." "Aaron, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
A man walks into a pharmacy and buys multiple containers of Tylenol, and the clerk asks why he's buying all of these. He replies with, "I'm playing 1 pill eat 100."
Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
Quit making those progeria jokes. They get old very quickly.
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
Why is it always cold in the hospital?
To keep the vegetables fresh.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Mimi. Mimi who? Mimi’s got cancer.
A man once went to a doctor because his leg was turning blue.
The doctor said that his leg had to be amputated as it was getting poisonous.
The man then got plastic prosthetics.
Next day even the prosthetics started turning blue.
After much examination, the doctor found that the patient's pants were shedding color.
Why did he go to the chiropractors?
To get his spine fixed.
Meat stands for: M - monitoring, E - evaluating, A - assessing/addressing, T - treatment.
So when you're shoving meat up people's asses, then you're monitoring them, evaluating them, assessing them, and treating them.
What did the cancer doctor say?
You just got a new Christmas present—cancer!
Q: What is the most expensive haircut? A: Chemo therapy.