Medicine jokes

The doctor told me I was so retarded, I was required to ride two wheelchairs.

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains! Well, pull yourself together, then.

Doctor, doctor! My brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Is he egging around? Yes, but we need to get the eggs.

Woman: Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm an elephant! Doctor: Run around the room. Then the woman stomps around the room and breaks things.

Doctor, doctor! I fell like a bell! Shall I ring you, then? When can you ring me up?

Doctor, doctor! I have a ball stuck in my throat! Shall I bat it and get a run, then?

What do you call a modern-day plague doctor? A COVID doctor.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Mimi. Mimi who? Mimi’s got cancer.

Every time I go to the store I look in the deodorant section and my dyslexia acts up. Instead of "antiperspirant," I read "antidepressant." At least I get a bunch of extra snacks out of my shopping mistakes.

Did you hear about the "Funny Doctor"?

He'll have you in "Stitches"!

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side.

Bro's chin looks like it's from that movie cartoon named Kronk. No wonder he got stung by a bee and took an ibuprofen to reduce the pain, but instead it grew longer.

Doctor: I will deliver the baby right away.

Dad: I would like the baby to have a liver.

If you execute someone in ventricular fibrillation in the electric chair, will they come back to life once and then die?

What’s a guy with Tourette’s favorite app to use? Tiktok.

What's the best thing about stage 4 cancer?

There's no stage 5.

How much did the liver weigh?

It weighed a skeleTON.

I've been taking Viagras for sunburn.

It keeps the sheets off my bed at night!

What do you call an overly clingy child?

A tumor.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste!

How do people with hydrocephalus wear standard-size helmets?

Did you hear about the roofer who went to the doctor? He had shingles.

A: What did the podiatrist say to the double amputee?

Q: Sorry, but I can't help you.

What's the difference between someone with dystonia and someone with misophonia?

One makes the annoying noises, while the other hates the annoying noises.