Medicine jokes

What's the most difficult thing about being a pediatric surgeon?

Keeping the scalpel steady while masturbating.

Q: What did the fetus say to the tongs?

A: See you on the flip side.

The doctor told me I was so retarded, I was required to ride two wheelchairs.

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains! Well, pull yourself together, then.

Doctor, doctor! My brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Is he egging around? Yes, but we need to get the eggs.

Woman: Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm an elephant! Doctor: Run around the room. Then the woman stomps around the room and breaks things.

Doctor, doctor! I fell like a bell! Shall I ring you, then? When can you ring me up?

Doctor, doctor! I have a ball stuck in my throat! Shall I bat it and get a run, then?

What do you call a modern-day plague doctor? A COVID doctor.

Every time I go to the store I look in the deodorant section and my dyslexia acts up. Instead of "antiperspirant," I read "antidepressant." At least I get a bunch of extra snacks out of my shopping mistakes.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Mimi. Mimi who? Mimi’s got cancer.

A: What did the podiatrist say to the double amputee?

Q: Sorry, but I can't help you.

Did you hear about the roofer who went to the doctor? He had shingles.

Why do men find it so difficult to solve puzzles after taking Viagra?

Because they just keep getting harder and harder!

If LAUGHTER is the best medicine, BLESSEDBRIAN'S JOKES are the disease.

They say if Viagra lasts more than four hours, call the doctor? I’m just wondering, it’s been six hours and I’m still hard, should I call the doctor or hop on another woman?

Did you hear about the "Funny Doctor"?

He'll have you in "Stitches"!

What's the difference between someone with dystonia and someone with misophonia?

One makes the annoying noises, while the other hates the annoying noises.

What's the best thing about stage 4 cancer?

There's no stage 5.

If you execute someone in ventricular fibrillation in the electric chair, will they come back to life once and then die?

What’s a guy with Tourette’s favorite app to use? Tiktok.

Doctor: I will deliver the baby right away.

Dad: I would like the baby to have a liver.

Jig, Jill, Bill ate a pill.

Son: I heard mom got stung by a few bees this morning. Is she ok? Hospital?

Dad: She's ok now, no hospital.

Dad: She had to take the deep penis.

Son: Umm...... WHAT!?

Dad: I had to inject her with an EPIC PENIS.

Dad: Oh for god's sakes.

Dad: Epi Pen.