Medical jokes
I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...
My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?
I went to the doctor's yesterday. I said, "When I touch my back, it hurts. When I touch my knee, it hurts. When I touch anything, it hurts!" 😣 What’s wrong with me?
Doctor: You’ve broken your finger.
"Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!" "What's wrong with me!" "Calm down, calm down. Just pull yourself together!"
I got kicked out of the hospital for saying, "Stay Positive," to the corona patients.
A blonde walks into the doctor's office. She tells the doctor, "My boyfriend has dandruff."
The doctor tells her to use Head and Shoulders. She leaves. About an hour later, the doctor's phone rings. He answers, it's the blonde. The doctor asks how he can help her. "Well doctor, I understand head, but how do you 'hove' shoulders?"
As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!
So what is the difference between a real doctor and a doctor of philosophy?
One cures the sick and the other makes them sick!
Wanted: Sperm donors. Please come quickly!
POV: You accidentally get H in your IV drip.
A doctor slept with one of his patients and thought to himself, "This is wrong, but some doctors do it..." He is a vet.
I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.
"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.
"Give me the good news first," the patient said.
"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."
"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"I've been trying to reach you for two days."
What type of doctor is Doctor Pepper?
A fizzician.
My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.
What is the most expensive haircut? Chemotherapy.
DARK ALERT********
A girl went to the doctor. The doctor said she had one year to live. She shot the doctor, and the judge gave her 15 years.
DARK ALERT********
What did the grandma say at the hospital when you pulled the tube?...................
My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!
What’s the difference between a doctor and a pedophile?
The doctor doesn’t enjoy giving physicals.