Medical jokes

Kid: I have the corona virus!

Nurse: Here is an ice pack.

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

"Give me the good news first," the patient said.

"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."

"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"I've been trying to reach you for two days."

Abortion is becoming more and more expensive these days. So visit Ammu-nation and pick up an Armsan RS-X1 tactical shotgun. It comes with a free box of ammo and a three year warranty. Buy now, pay later.

What do a gynecologist and deaf people have in common? They both read lips.

*in the hospital*

Paralyzed kid: I'm out!

*walks out the room*

Blind kid: You can walk?!

Mute kid: You can see?!

Deaf kid: You can talk?!

Doctor: Wut the f**k?

My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?

When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.

I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.

But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"

Why was the North Tower a bad doctor when the South Tower collapsed?

Because the North Tower didn’t do CPR.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."

The man asks, "Why?"

The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

My 1 year old nephew had a stroke. I know, sounds bad... but he would have needed to learn how to speak and walk anyways.

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

POV: You accidentally get H in your IV drip.

It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.

He was a great vet.

Would you mind just peeing into this cup, please? It's the one the annoying receptionist uses.

Wanted: Sperm donors. Please come quickly!

What does a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

Wet noses.

A pedophile brings his eight-year-old daughter to the doctor's office. The doctor asked her if she would like some candy? Her father replies, "Please, no more candy for her. I gave her enough today."

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing.

They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing, then his friend calls and he is groaning. He said he was having cramps, so the husband tells the doctor, "Doc, turn it up to 40%!" So he does, and his friend throws up, so he said, "Doc, turn it up to 100%!" and his friend dies.