Medical jokes

If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?

You know your doctor is gay when he asks you to touch your toes, and then you feel a rub on your back and a tickle on your anus.

What did the doctor say to the Chinese patient? "Sum ting wong."

When you were born, your mom said you were out of bounds, so you went flying out of the hospital.

Why do they call it abortion? Because they aborted the mission.

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

In the hospital, I saw a girl with cancer trying to sleep. The ICU was going beep beep beep. I think that's why she can't sleep, so I turned it off. She's asleep forever now. Nighty night.

What's the best part of working at an abortion clinic?

Free dog food.

What type of doctor is Doctor Pepper?

A fizzician.

A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."

"Doctor, I'm shrinking!"

"Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."

Have any of you guys heard the classic airplane jokes? Here's a good example...

A farmer, a doctor, and a terrorist are on a plane. An engine fails, and they are going to crash, so the pilot asks everyone to throw out some items. The farmer threw out his apple harvest, the doctor threw out medical supplies, and the terrorist, (not needing a bomb apparently) threw out his briefcase of bombs. They still crashed, and they started walking to the nearest town. They passed a boy who was running. "Why are you running?"

"My dad got hit by a shiny red object and now he's bleeding!"

They three of them decide it's best to keep quiet, and continue. They then passed a crying girl, who said that her brother had been killed by a scalpel from heaven. They said nothing and continued. Finally, they see a boy laughing so much he is in tears. They ask him, "What's so funny?"

"Grandma farted and the house blew up!"

Mother: How is my little cookie doing?

Doctor: Your cookie is feeling crummy right now.

Mother: Really?

Doctor: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.

Mother: 😁♥️🍪

Broke my toenail yesterday. I'm now presenting you puns/jokes:

1. "Yeah, I broke my toenail, wanna see phoTOES?" 2. "I'm tired of bandaging my toe! Oh. My. GAUZE."

I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.

A 28-year-old medical student is auctioning off her virginity online.

For $300K, you can have the worst sex of your life.

What did the grandma say at the hospital when you pulled the tube?...................

Pinocchio goes to the doctor for a checkup. When he gets there, the doctor asks him, "Do you have cancer?" Pinocchio replies, "That was very straight up, but no, I’m pretty sure I don’t have cancer." After saying this, his nose grew.

So little Johnny was walking to the bathroom, and he said, "Grandma," said, "why is the blood coming out of your ###😥 I need to call help."

Why was the North Tower a bad doctor when the South Tower collapsed?

Because the North Tower didn’t do CPR.