Medical jokes
Doctor: "You're as healthy as a horse!"
Jimmy: "That's great!"
Doctor: "A horse with cancer."
A 28-year-old medical student is auctioning off her virginity online.
For $300K, you can have the worst sex of your life.
Broke my toenail yesterday. I'm now presenting you puns/jokes:
1. "Yeah, I broke my toenail, wanna see phoTOES?" 2. "I'm tired of bandaging my toe! Oh. My. GAUZE."
Pinocchio goes to the doctor for a checkup. When he gets there, the doctor asks him, "Do you have cancer?" Pinocchio replies, "That was very straight up, but no, I’m pretty sure I don’t have cancer." After saying this, his nose grew.
I looked up "I have whiplash" on WebMD, and it diagnosed me with slavery.
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..." The room was full of arm amputees.
What's the hardest line to draw in a hospital?
... A FLATLINE!
Why did the Polish urologist cut his cock off with a knife?
To take care of his erectile dysfunction.
Little Johnny went to the doctor to get an infection checked on his penis. As the doctor examined it, he asked, "Lil Johnny how did you get an infection on your penis?" Johnny replied, "Well, the damn neighbor Sally's braces are too sharp."
What kind of vacuum does an abortion center use? A: Dyson.
When I was in 4th grade, we wrote letters to kids in the hospital. I wrote: "It is a bumpy road but soon it will be a straight path." Not many people know I was talking about their heart monitor.
Trump's medical records were just released. According to the brain scan, the left side of his brain has nothing right, while the right side has nothing left.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said:
"I have good news and bad news."
The wife said: "What's the good news?"
"We managed to save his arm."
"What's the bad news?"
"We couldn't save the rest of him."
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.
