Medical jokes
What do you call a white person having a seizure?
A vanilla shake.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association.
My grandfather told me I’m too reliant on technology, so I unplugged his life support and called him a hypocrite. I doubt he ever said that to anyone ever again.
A woman is in the hospital giving birth. The doctor comes up to her afterwards.
Dr: "I'm sorry, I have good news and bad news."
Woman: "What's the bad news?"
Dr: "Your baby is Ginger!"
Woman: "Ok, so what's the good news?"
Dr: "It's dead!"
What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards?
DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!
I looked up "I have whiplash" on WebMD, and it diagnosed me with slavery.
Why does the nurse need a red pen?
In case she has to draw blood.
Why do they have air conditioning in hospitals?
To keep all the vegetables fresh.
Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: What? Am I dying?
Doctor: No, your wife is.
What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?
An amputation.
Welcome to ____ pizzeria and abortion clinic where your loss is our sauce.
So what is the difference between a real doctor and a doctor of philosophy?
One cures the sick and the other makes them sick!
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes time to put you under.
What's the difference between me and an old man? No one pulled my life support.
My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.
As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.
A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
Why did the library book go to the doctor?
It needed to be checked out.
My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.
A young woman goes for her first gynecological exam, and the nurse has her take off her clothes, put on a gown, and get in the stirrups. She tells her the doctor will be in in a minute.
The doctor comes in and tells the young lady that she has one of the most beautiful vaginas he’s ever seen, and he has seen a lot of them. She thanks him for the compliment. He tells her he is about to start the examination, but he is going to have to numb her first, when she says ok, he goes:
"Num num num num num!"