ME jokes

I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

What's an orphan's favorite Roblox game?

Adopt Me.

What's the Pixar movie close to being a pornstar? Toy Story... *I got a friend in me*

My girlfriend is like treasure to me.

You need a shovel to find her.

I want to thank all the sidewalks out there for keeping me off the street.

Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.

Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?

Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.

Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.

Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.

Me: ...

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!

Q: What's the difference between an egg and me?

A: An egg gets laid.

Your forehead is so huge, you don't have dreams, you have movies. Follow me on Instagram: _zer0x3.

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."

School reminds me of a penis. It's long and hard unless you're Asian.

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle. So I bought an iron whistle. But ironically it steel wooden lead me whistle.

Me running after slapping the emo kid's wrist and saying, "I like ya cut g."

Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!

A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.

What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.

What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.

My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.

Weird, he usually uses a sock.

I Googled "How to start a Wildfire." It gave me 28,452 matches.

A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”

Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”

I started a new job. My boss said, "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky." I said, "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick."

She said, "How do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied, "You just ask nicely."