ME jokes

So the coach got mad at me because I'm the only one on my team who is only a bit on the spectrum, and I was just keeping the ball to myself. The coach pulled me aside and said, "Pass to others." I said, "Why?" And he said, "There's no 'I' in 'team.'" I said, "Yeah, but there's an 'm' and an 'e.'"

Joker gives Batman a phone.

Thomas: "Uhh, son, we need to talk... about the uhh, dressing up."

Martha: "Hello dearie, Brucie, is it ok if you visit me when you go to Joker's house?"

I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.

I tore up my homework, but then I replaced it with this copy. It may look like it, but trust me, it's different! The answers ARE RIGHT, better than left!

My friends were really annoying me at my birthday party, so I decided to pop a balloon to spook them.

Maybe going on a hot air balloon ride wasn't the best idea.

My ex keeps missing me. But her aim is steadily improving...

What's so similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the sperm inside her? They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mum is gonna kill me!"

What does a freshly pregnant teen and her baby share?

They both think, "Mom's probably going to kill me."

My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"

Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.

I Googled "How to start a Wildfire." It gave me 28,452 matches.

I started a new job. My boss said, "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky." I said, "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick."

She said, "How do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied, "You just ask nicely."

Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane. Man next to me said, "You know we're going to New York, right?" I told him I just wanna know what I got into.

A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”

Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”

me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.

Pornhub suggesting me MILF on Mother's Day...

The lines on the pride flag look pretty straight to me!

Me: Wanna play a game?

Sister: Ya, what is it?

Me: Tic tac toe.

Sister:?

Takes out knife and rolls up sleeve.

Me: Tic tac toe.

There was a girl I used to date, only to find out that she used to be a man. You could say, she put me in a trans.