ME jokes

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

How many white guys does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None. They hire me to do it.

I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.

I: "Get a boomerang."

Type: "Why?"

Me: "Because for frisbee, you need friends."

Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"

Friend #2: "Apples"

Me: "I can hang myself in them."

Other girls want a guy who is 6ft, but does me being 6ft under count?

Are you bleach? Because I want you inside of me.

I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.

I tore up my homework, but then I replaced it with this copy. It may look like it, but trust me, it's different! The answers ARE RIGHT, better than left!

Waitress: You wanna box for your leftovers?

Me: No, but I'll arm wrestle you for the check.

What does a freshly pregnant teen and her baby share?

They both think, "Mom's probably going to kill me."

So I went to the binoculars shop the other day. Tell you what, they saw me coming.

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.

My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"

Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.

I started a new job. My boss said, "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky." I said, "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick."

She said, "How do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied, "You just ask nicely."

I Googled "How to start a Wildfire." It gave me 28,452 matches.

A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”

Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”

The lines on the pride flag look pretty straight to me!

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.