ME jokes

A mirror and a beer bottle are arguing.

The beer bottle says: "If you break me, you get one year of bad luck."

The mirror scoffs: "Oh, that's nothing. You break me and you get 7 years of bad luck."

The condom overhears these arguments and walks off laughing.

Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane. Man next to me said, "You know we're going to New York, right?" I told him I just wanna know what I got into.

What does a freshly pregnant teen and her baby share?

They both think, "Mom's probably going to kill me."

Waitress: You wanna box for your leftovers?

Me: No, but I'll arm wrestle you for the check.

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.

So I went to the binoculars shop the other day. Tell you what, they saw me coming.

Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.

A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"

Me: Wanna play a game?

Sister: Ya, what is it?

Me: Tic tac toe.

Sister:?

Takes out knife and rolls up sleeve.

Me: Tic tac toe.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.

Pornhub suggesting me MILF on Mother's Day...

What's so similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the sperm inside her? They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mum is gonna kill me!"

What do you call an orphan's family reunion?

Me time.

Somebody told me to cheer up so.... I told him to pass me a rope :)

Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!

I was playing football and this guy comes to me, he was in a wheelchair.

We started playing rocket league.

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."

My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.