ME jokes

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my other girlfriend.

9/11 jokes just don't hit right with me.

Me: Let's go to Randy's.

Friend: There's no Randy's.

Me: Ran deez nuts with a car.

What do you call a magic car that I can do to help me out for you and I will be doing a great day?

What time do you call me tomorrow?

My parents used to make me and my siblings apologize to the ground when we stomped.

If I had done "it," I would have gotten SO many apologies.

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.

What does a kid say to an orphan, "Where are your parents?"\n\n"I don’t have parents. Where are yours? Are you an orphan like me? I hope not!"

Last night I had a dream of lead, but your mom won't let me tell you.

Your mamma is so fat that she saved me a lot of money by sitting in my car when I wanted to buy a low rider.

Why did you and Sarah break up?

'Cause she cheetahed on me.

My friend thinks he is funny.

He told me that the only food that makes you cry is an onion, so I threw a coconut at him.

Why do they call it Ovaltine?

The jar is round, the mug is round, they should call it Roundtine.

Me: "The villain has a point, you know."

Everyone else watching the WW2 documentary:

If I die, does my depression die with me?

Me: Hey, have you seen my butt?

Him: No, have you seen where it is?

Me: Maybe here on your private part hehe.

Him: *dumps my head on the toilet* HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR ASS NOW, PERVERT?

Daughter: Hey Dad, can I use your car?

Dad: Sure, but first you have to give me a blow job."

Daughter: Okay, (proceeds to service dad). Dad, ewww, your dick tastes like shite!"

Dad: Oh, that's right, I lent your brother the car.

My girlfriend asked me whether I was having sex behind her back, and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

My sister just sits on the toilet with her iPad, then I go to do something at the sink and she says, "Bella, give me toilet paper!" Then I am annoyed, like super annoyed.

A dad told his son never to hit girls, so the son replied, "I promise."

When the son got older, he was doing the dirty with "a girl," and the girl says, "Spank me, daddy..." and the son responds, "My dad said never to hit a girl."

Then the "girl" takes off the wig, and it's his dad, and the dad said, "Good job, son!"

Son:...... um