ME jokes

Somebody told me to cheer up so.... I told him to pass me a rope :)

What do you call an orphan's family reunion?

Me time.

Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"

Friend #2: "Apples"

Me: "I can hang myself in them."

Are you bleach? Because I want you inside of me.

Other girls want a guy who is 6ft, but does me being 6ft under count?

As a murderer, I stabbed a man after infiltrating his house. His wife came in and saw me. She fell into tears. I got up and said, "Drama queen!"

How many white guys does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None. They hire me to do it.

I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.

Joker gives Batman a phone.

Thomas: "Uhh, son, we need to talk... about the uhh, dressing up."

Martha: "Hello dearie, Brucie, is it ok if you visit me when you go to Joker's house?"

What's so similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the sperm inside her? They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mum is gonna kill me!"

My ex keeps missing me. But her aim is steadily improving...

My friends were really annoying me at my birthday party, so I decided to pop a balloon to spook them.

Maybe going on a hot air balloon ride wasn't the best idea.

I tore up my homework, but then I replaced it with this copy. It may look like it, but trust me, it's different! The answers ARE RIGHT, better than left!

Sometimes my battery life has the same recognition as me :(

So the coach got mad at me because I'm the only one on my team who is only a bit on the spectrum, and I was just keeping the ball to myself. The coach pulled me aside and said, "Pass to others." I said, "Why?" And he said, "There's no 'I' in 'team.'" I said, "Yeah, but there's an 'm' and an 'e.'"

I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.

What does a freshly pregnant teen and her baby share?

They both think, "Mom's probably going to kill me."

My dog is called Syndrome. He jumps up at me and I shout, "Down, Syndrome! Down, Syndrome!"

I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.

I started a new job. My boss said, "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky." I said, "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick."

She said, "How do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied, "You just ask nicely."