ME jokes

So I went to the binoculars shop the other day. Tell you what, they saw me coming.

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.

My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"

Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.

I was swimming in a pool on my vacation when a fan of mine approached me. He said he wanted an autograph and gave me a pen to sign it. I accidentally dropped the pen in the pool. Suddenly, Penaldo came out of NOWHERE and dove to save it. He said he always dives for pens.

Official Dj Penaldo playlist.

1. "I'm a fraud" 2. "I need you (ft. Tap-ins)" 3. "I Want to Leave Mid United" 4. "Back where I belong (ft. Europa league)" 5. "TY Eder" 6. "Nobody wants me (Rejectnaldo Remix)" 7. "Fuck that kid (ft. Lil Broke phone)" 8. "Sewy (Benched +arms crossed version)"

A depressed kid wanted to give me a high five.

I just left him hanging.

Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

My girlfriend left me for spending my own money. I buy this bitch thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of stuff, but I spend 100 dollars on a prostitute, she leaves me.

How many white guys does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None. They hire me to do it.

I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.

Are you bleach? Because I want you inside of me.

Other girls want a guy who is 6ft, but does me being 6ft under count?

Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"

Friend #2: "Apples"

Me: "I can hang myself in them."

As a murderer, I stabbed a man after infiltrating his house. His wife came in and saw me. She fell into tears. I got up and said, "Drama queen!"

My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.

Somebody told me to cheer up so.... I told him to pass me a rope :)

A friend called me a while back saying, "I have COVID.... I can't breathe, I really have a hard time breathing."

I reply saying, "Dude, you need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

What do you call an orphan's family reunion?

Me time.

My ex keeps missing me. But her aim is steadily improving...