ME jokes

Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

So I went to the binoculars shop the other day. Tell you what, they saw me coming.

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.

Waitress: You wanna box for your leftovers?

Me: No, but I'll arm wrestle you for the check.

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

I was playing football and this guy comes to me, he was in a wheelchair.

We started playing rocket league.

I looked up "I have whiplash" on WebMD, and it diagnosed me with slavery.

How many white guys does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None. They hire me to do it.

A mirror and a beer bottle are arguing.

The beer bottle says: "If you break me, you get one year of bad luck."

The mirror scoffs: "Oh, that's nothing. You break me and you get 7 years of bad luck."

The condom overhears these arguments and walks off laughing.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.

My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.

Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.

Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.

A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

I broke up with my deaf girlfriend because she never listened to me.

Boss: You're fired.

Me: *pauses porn* Why?

I was walking this hot girl home, then she noticed me, then the walk turned into a run.

I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.

I came home from school one day and told my cat a kid at school said I was an idiot and told me to go kick rocks, so I did, except I kicked him, not the rocks, and I called him the idiot for not moving out of the way.

"Your pussy is sweeter than Mom's," Brother admired his sister.

"I know," replied Sister. "Father told me too."