ME jokes

Someone: "I WANNA BE THE SUN OF YOUR LIFE!"

Me: Then stay at 1,000,000 km of me.

Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."

Father: "Sorry."

I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

My mother didn't want me to love my sister. That made me angry. But then, one day I found this quote: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Since that day, I fuck my sister hard and my MOM harder!

I want to thank all the sidewalks out there for keeping me off the street.

What's an orphan's favorite Roblox game?

Adopt Me.

What's the Pixar movie close to being a pornstar? Toy Story... *I got a friend in me*

Friend: How dark IS your humor?

Me: It started an organization against cops.

My girlfriend is like treasure to me.

You need a shovel to find her.

Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.

Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?

Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.

Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.

Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.

Me: ...

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!

Q: What's the difference between an egg and me?

A: An egg gets laid.

Your forehead is so huge, you don't have dreams, you have movies. Follow me on Instagram: _zer0x3.

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

A miscarriage always brings the child out in me.

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."

School reminds me of a penis. It's long and hard unless you're Asian.

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle. So I bought an iron whistle. But ironically it steel wooden lead me whistle.

Me running after slapping the emo kid's wrist and saying, "I like ya cut g."