ME jokes
A guy was dying after getting stabbed in a church. He said to the priest, "Please say a prayer for me," and the priest said, "I ain’t got nun left." Then he died.
Is your mom a virgin?
Mine is.
How am I alive?
You tell me.
Hi, I'm Madison, but for short you can call me Alex.
Me going to jail after telling the orphan he can't learn about ancient Egypt because he don't know what a mummy is.
You: Hey, Alexa, what is your gender?
Alexa: I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are...
Me: *hears it* And their pronouns are he/he.
Child: Mom, someone told me you talk like an owl.
Teacher: Who?
Child: Oh, it is true, you do talk like an owl!
An orphan told me people kept bullying him, so I said, "Tell your parents."
Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.
I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.
Remember the big forehead kid who said, "Give me a knife, I'm going to kill myself" because of being bullied?
His head was too big to even exist, and that's why he's dead.
Me and a girl went on a walk...
Then she noticed me, then we went for a run. :)
My grandfather told me I’m too reliant on technology, so I unplugged his life support and called him a hypocrite. I doubt he ever said that to anyone ever again.
Iceberg: You may know me.
Titanic: You are a sucker.
Iceberg: You hit me.
Titanic: Moron.
Iceberg: Waaaaaaaaaa!
Titanic: I don’t give a shit.
I gave an orphan 5 dollars and I said, "Spend it on a candy bar." I came back 5 minutes later and he didn't have a candy bar. So I look over and I see that he has a piggy bank that has 40 dollars and I said, "Where did you get that?" He said, "For being homeless," and I said, "What are you going to spend it on?" He looked at me and said, "I'm going to pay money for a mother."
Gutted rn... the girl I loved hard just got in a relationship. She liked me too so I missed the chance. Idk if she still does... man...
I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.
Doctor: Oh, I see.
Me: Ahhhh!!!!!
I played piano at a Worthmore disabled elderly center. Then after I was done, I said, "How about you give me a standing ovation?"
I regret it to this day. Now I am forced to live here at Worthmore, and sit on my wheelchair, sad and lonely.
Jesse: Do you like my ball?
Mike: Yes, they are very big. I can’t even fit them in my mouth. You bought a new ball, right?
Jesse: No, they do not leave me.
You want a pizza from me!!!!
My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. Do you know what he said?
"Get your paws off!" 💩💩💩
Mom: Go clean your room, Little Johnny.
Little Johnny: No, it’s my room.
Mom: Well, it’s my house.
Little Johnny: Then go clean it.
Mom: Go to school!
At school:
Teacher: Hi, Little Johnny. You’re late.
Little Johnny: Watch because my son of a bitch mom told me to clean her room. I told her no, it’s my room, and then she said, 'Well, it’s my house.' Then I said, 'Go clean it,' and then she told me to go to school.
Teacher: Johnny, go to the principal’s office! You just came into school and now you're causing trouble. Go!