ME jokes

Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."

My friends: "What's your dream job?"

Me: "I'm going to die young :))"

What did the dick say to the condom?

Cover me, I'm going in. 😚😏

Is it just me, or do you kids have imaginations?

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

My mom was 19 when she was pregnant with me, My mom was 39 when she was pregnant by me!!!

My sister told me a joke.

All she said was "my life."

Violets are blue, roses are red.

Last night your mom was giving me head.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then didn't talk to her for the rest of the day for no reason.

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.

My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.

Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"

Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"

What did Cinderella say when she sat on Pinocchio? "Lie to me."

My therapist told me, "Time to heal all wounds," so I shot him in the nuts.

Now we wait...

Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."

Father: "Sorry."

Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

What's an orphan's favorite Roblox game?

Adopt Me.

What's the Pixar movie close to being a pornstar? Toy Story... *I got a friend in me*

Friend: How dark IS your humor?

Me: It started an organization against cops.

I want to thank all the sidewalks out there for keeping me off the street.