ME jokes

A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.

Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."

My friends: "What's your dream job?"

Me: "I'm going to die young :))"

What did the dick say to the condom?

Cover me, I'm going in. 😚😏

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.

My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.

My sister told me a joke.

All she said was "my life."

Violets are blue, roses are red.

Last night your mom was giving me head.

Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."

Father: "Sorry."

I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

I'm not racist, but the Ku Klux Klan look all the same to me.

What's an orphan's favorite Roblox game?

Adopt Me.

What's the Pixar movie close to being a pornstar? Toy Story... *I got a friend in me*

Friend: How dark IS your humor?

Me: It started an organization against cops.

My girlfriend is like treasure to me.

You need a shovel to find her.

I want to thank all the sidewalks out there for keeping me off the street.

Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.

Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?

Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.

Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.

Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.

Me: ...

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!

Q: What's the difference between an egg and me?

A: An egg gets laid.

Your forehead is so huge, you don't have dreams, you have movies. Follow me on Instagram: _zer0x3.