ME jokes
My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.
I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.
Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"
Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"
Is it just me, or do you kids have imaginations?
What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"
my teacher with every one for no reason
Why was Tickle Me Elmo upset when he left the factory?
Because they only gave him one test tickle.
My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then didn't talk to her for the rest of the day for no reason.
My sister told me a joke.
All she said was "my life."
A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.
A man sees a small boy begging for money. He walks up to him and asks him if he is an orphan.
The boy asks, "What gave me away?"
The man responds, "Your parents."
Me: brags about my 30 kill streak.
The jury: O.o
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.
When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"
I said, "I shit you not."
What did the dick say to the condom?
Cover me, I'm going in. 😚😏
Someone: "I WANNA BE THE SUN OF YOUR LIFE!"
Me: Then stay at 1,000,000 km of me.
Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."
My friends: "What's your dream job?"
Me: "I'm going to die young :))"
Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.
Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."
Father: "Sorry."