ME jokes

Chuck Norris: "I block bullets with my beard." Abraham Lincoln: "I catch bullets with my skull."

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

My friends and I were talking about this really ugly girl at our school. For some reason, she had the same name as me.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Suicide is just freedom, life is just full of pain... Sometimes if you're gone maybe somebody might notice. Feels like life is a maze and the only way to leave is the exit. Nobody notices your pain, your suffering, and that you try your best though everyone notices your mistakes. Life just feels like everyone hates you. Life for me is just faking smiles, I'm not sure how everyone lives such a good life.

My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.

COP: Are you high?

ME: If I was high, could I do this? *walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: Wth he just walked off a cliff.

What is a gay person’s favorite book?

The dictionary.

"Twins sitting in class."

Me: Casually throws a paper plane at them.

Alright, riddle me this: I am loud and obnoxious, I like music that rhymes. I'm a fraction of the population, but commit half the crimes! What am I?

I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.

At every funeral, it's a try-not-to-say-"big mood"-challenge for me.

An emo kid walked to me holding a rope, and asked: "Do you want to join my family tree?"

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

I got in a car crash with a dwarf one day. He came storming out, and glared at me. I lowered my window and called out, "So, I'm guessing you're not happy?"

One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.

Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.