ME jokes

Car crash

    • A gay guy and a trucker get in a car crash.

    The gay guy says, "Somebody call the police! This man just rammed into me!"

    The trucker says, "What the fuck did you just say, fucker? Get over here, I'm gonna wreck your ass!"

    The gay man then says, "It's okay, everybody, don't call the police! He wants to negotiate."

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    • Halloween

    • Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

    She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

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    • Spaghetti

    • My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

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    • Cousin

    • My little cousin's birthday was in a few days, and his mom said he wanted Hot Wheels. So I sent him a video of me pushing a paralyzed kid into fire and screaming "HOT WHEELS!"

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    • ME memes

    Sex

    • A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

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    • Noose

    • An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.

    *A few minutes later*

    son: There.

    mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?

    son: Dad showed me before he died.

    mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*

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    • Doctor

    • A man receives a phone call from his doctor.

    The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."

    The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."

    The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."

    The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"

    The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

    Rape

    • A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

    The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

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    • Dirt

    • When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

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    • Sex

    • My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

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    • Suicide

    • Suicide is just freedom, life is just full of pain... Sometimes if you're gone maybe somebody might notice. Feels like life is a maze and the only way to leave is the exit. Nobody notices your pain, your suffering, and that you try your best though everyone notices your mistakes. Life just feels like everyone hates you. Life for me is just faking smiles, I'm not sure how everyone lives such a good life.

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    • Cliff

    • COP: Are you high?

    ME: If I was high, could I do this? *walks in a perfectly straight line*

    COP: Wth he just walked off a cliff.

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    • Incest

    • My mother didn't want me to love my sister. That made me angry. But then, one day I found this quote: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Since that day, I fuck my sister hard and my MOM harder!

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