ME jokes

I went on a walk with a super pretty girl, then she saw me and it turned into a run.

Teacher: If you keep talking over me, I'll call your parents!

Orphan: You will?

A man walks into a magic forest, when he stumbles upon a talking tree and tries to cut it down. The tree says, "You can't cut me down, I'm a talking tree!" The man replies, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

So, there was this girl on the street that had no arms or legs, that said "Hey sir, I've never been fucked before, will you do the honors and fuck me?" So, I threw her in the ocean and said "Well, your fucked now."

Why do they call me a firefighter? Because I find them hot, and I leave them wet!

My math teacher keeps telling me to find his x. It's kinda creepy.

How are Xbox servers like hookers? First they take my money, and then they go down on me.

Women treat me like a god.

They ignore me till they need something.

When you push your grandma out of her wheelchair and steal it.

“They see me rollin’, they hatin’.”

Me: Wanna hear a joke about my chin?

Friend: Nah, dude. It'll be too long.

My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."

The weirdest thing happened to me today. I was driving 50 mph and hit a speed bump and it screamed!

Mom: Are you seriously gonna die?

Me: No. Don't worry. Suicide is the last thing I'll do.

Dad: School is canceled, I think your teacher died or something.

Me: Wow, they found the body already?

Dad: :/

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

I’ve always been a bit insecure about having thicker thighs.

Now I realize it allows me to fit more scars!

My thighs have a different texture pack than the rest of me.

I called a Suicide Helpline, but they didn't help me commit suicide.

Tbh they really left me hanging there.

I'm so depressed that when I smile, my Face ID doesn't recognize me.