ME jokes

I called a Suicide Helpline, but they didn't help me commit suicide.

Tbh they really left me hanging there.

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Me: Wanna hear a joke about my chin?

Friend: Nah, dude. It'll be too long.

Why do they call me a firefighter? Because I find them hot, and I leave them wet!

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

The weirdest thing happened to me today. I was driving 50 mph and hit a speed bump and it screamed!

My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."

My math teacher keeps telling me to find his x. It's kinda creepy.

Enough with the Nazi jokes.

They make me führeious!

When you push your grandma out of her wheelchair and steal it.

“They see me rollin’, they hatin’.”

How are Xbox servers like hookers? First they take my money, and then they go down on me.

A man walks into a magic forest, when he stumbles upon a talking tree and tries to cut it down. The tree says, "You can't cut me down, I'm a talking tree!" The man replies, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

Mom: Are you seriously gonna die?

Me: No. Don't worry. Suicide is the last thing I'll do.

Dad: School is canceled, I think your teacher died or something.

Me: Wow, they found the body already?

Dad: :/

Teacher: If you keep talking over me, I'll call your parents!

Orphan: You will?

I’ve always been a bit insecure about having thicker thighs.

Now I realize it allows me to fit more scars!

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.