ME jokes

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

Me: Wanna hear a joke about my chin?

Friend: Nah, dude. It'll be too long.

I’ve always been a bit insecure about having thicker thighs.

Now I realize it allows me to fit more scars!

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.

I parked in a disabled space today...

...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”

I called a Suicide Helpline, but they didn't help me commit suicide.

Tbh they really left me hanging there.

I'm so depressed that when I smile, my Face ID doesn't recognize me.

My thighs have a different texture pack than the rest of me.

How are Xbox servers like hookers? First they take my money, and then they go down on me.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

My math teacher keeps telling me to find his x. It's kinda creepy.

Enough with the Nazi jokes.

They make me führeious!

When you push your grandma out of her wheelchair and steal it.

“They see me rollin’, they hatin’.”

Why do they call me a firefighter? Because I find them hot, and I leave them wet!

My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."

The weirdest thing happened to me today. I was driving 50 mph and hit a speed bump and it screamed!

A man walks into a magic forest, when he stumbles upon a talking tree and tries to cut it down. The tree says, "You can't cut me down, I'm a talking tree!" The man replies, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

Mom: Are you seriously gonna die?

Me: No. Don't worry. Suicide is the last thing I'll do.