ME jokes
Would you rather date me or a lady?
I laid deez nuts in your mouth.
Once I said to an orphan, "What the 'F' means in 'orphan'?"
He replied, "There's no 'F'."
Me: "There's no family."
Your mom has a bone to pick with me.
"What did the orphan say to the other orphan? \"You have a dad? Say he can have me, I will (let) you, so he can adopt me.\""
A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer. After 10 shots of vodka, the guy had, the bartender figured if he talked to him, he would tell him everything as he’s not sober.
Bartender: Hey, that’s some nice jewellery you have there. It must be expensive.
Guy: Yeah, this bracelet is made of 100% diamond. It cost me like 250 thousand dollars. What a bargain, eh?
Bartender: Seems like you make a lot of money. What do you do for a living?
Guy: I take cash from the bank and don’t give it back. It takes a lot of moral courage to rob banks to provide for my family.
Bartender: What? If that’s the case, then why do you even pay for the jewellery or this beer? You’re a hypocrite, that’s what you are, justifying robbing people as a living.
Guy: Hypocrite? You’re right. I'm living with double standards to justify my actions.
(5 seconds later)
Guy: Aye, open the cash register and give me your wallet or I will blow your fucking brains out. I fucking hate hypocrites and I will not gonna be one of em!
The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.
This shit is weird (as baby girl pees).
Dad: “Trust me, shitting is weirder.”
Q. What's the Premier of Alberta's favorite sex toy? A. I don't know, but I wish it were me.
Me: Yo wanna play 9/11?
My Friend: What’s that?
Me: It’s a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.
The bell rings, and Ana was about to leave, but the teacher said, "The bell doesn't dismiss you, I do."
The next day, Ana was late, and the teacher asked, "Why are you late?" Ana replied with, "The bell doesn't tell me when I should arrive, I do."
My fitness guru said that if I got raped, it would help me in future marathons.
Is it just me, or everybody has a dark side, like a psycho side, and then you act like crazy for some reason?
I used to have an imaginary friend who I could talk to, and he could grant me wishes and stuff... and then I stopped going to church.
A guy cut me in the lunch line. After that, a rock was thrown at him by my friend.
I was walking home, then I saw a "Wait" sign. A man came and took me. I'm still waiting for him to ask for a lesson.
We say “Father, I have sinned,” because it would be weird if we said, “Daddy, I have sinned,” right?
“Forgive me, Daddy, for my transgressions!” We say the “Our Father,” not the “Our Daddy.”
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."
Free blacks in the Civil War is the same as me drawing a reverse card in Uno.
When someone says don't talk back to me, say, "I wasn't aware that answering a question was considered talking back."