ME jokes

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" I said: "No it doesn't."

What's the difference between a Lambo and a boner?

Your sister didn't give me a Lambo.

My mum told me to stop playing with my sister. She said, "At least wait for her to be born first."

I told someone some jokes, y'know? "Fruit Ninja," "barcode legs," "French puppet thigh wrings." And she was like saying that's not cool and stuff. So she reported me, and it was like:

The counselor: "So I've heard you've been making sh jokes?" Me: "You say it like it's a bad thing." Her: "It is." Me: "Chill bro, it ain't that deep. Don't worry I'll end it :)"

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

A pirate walked into a bar with his ship's steering wheel hanging off his pants. The bartender says, "Hey! What's with the steering wheel?" The pirate says, "I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"

Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"

Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."

Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."

Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.

Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.

Never attempt to foreshadow your own death, you may end up regretting it. You can chop me up and throw me in the fridge if I’m wrong.

One day I came to my mom and said, "MOM!!! I can make a butterfly!"

Mom: "No you can't..."

Me: *throws butter out the window* Me: "Look I made a butterfly!"

lol this isn't funny but I hope you liked it.

What did the cake say to the fork?

"Do you want a piece of me!!!"

My mom told me a joke she made 13 years ago, but she didn't tell me what it was... Anyways, I'm turning 14 next month.

Did you know that statistically, 1 in 10 people live next to a pedophile? Not me though, I live next to a 10 year old boy with a fat ass.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some water. Jill pulled up her dress and said, "Daddy, fuck me harder."

A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."

I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.

When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"

What did the Mexican man say when his house fell on him?

"Get off me homes."

I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun... Then it dawned on me.