ME jokes

The old cookoo master on the top of Mt. Qinshan told me this when I was eating sushi:

"The first bite tastes like heaven, the second takes you there."

😳

You know why they call me 007?

0 girls.

0 chances.

7 restraining orders.

Are you a razor? 'Cause you make me red.

"When God sends me to hell... I want him to hesitate." -Techno

"I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me."

We never saw him again.

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.

I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.

Your mama is so fat and stupid. She got hit by a school bus. Her reply was, "Who threw that Twinkie at me?"

You know, that I see my sister at home from school. She says everyone bullies me. I say, "Because you're a fat a**."

Okay, so I have a dairy and sugar allergy, and if I eat it, I get REALLY CONSTIPATED, so this is me when I’m constipated ᕙ(⇀‸↼‵‵)ᕗ lol.

One time I was with my uncle. He said to me to pass him the marble on the floor. All I heard was my butt clapping with his sausage.

POV: me telling a joke.

My dad: nobody likes a smart-ass.

Me: Nobody likes a smart-ass until the smart-ass finds a cure for cancer.

Me: I wouldn’t want to be with a shitmate.

Shitmate: You’re so shitable.

Me: Bring banana ice cream.

Shitmate: Never happening.

Why do they call it Ovaltine?

The jar is round, the mug is round, they should call it Roundtine.

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Mary."

"Mary who?"

"Marry me!"

My country is so corrupt that it voted me as the most sexiest man.

Victory assured, I will continue like that till I'm six feet under.

I pushed a disabled kid over, and he came crawling back to me.

Me and a girl went on a walk...

Then she noticed me, then we went for a run. :)

"Aww, it's a boy, let me cut off the ombelicul cored, sir, that's his penis!"

"It's a girl."

Me: Can you give me some drumsticks to eat?

Brother: Why though?

Me: So I can just drum up an appetite.

Hey Gwen, reply to me and say if everything is alright.