ME jokes
I wish my grass was emo, then it would cut for me.
My gf told me she was pregnant. So I punched her in the stomach.
She asked me "Why the hell did you do that?!?!?" "I wanted to let you know I'm pro abortion."
My wife got mad at me because I took our life savings and brought golden retrievers.
Like, bitch, we can get gold because of these golden retrievers.
Me being raped is like my birth certificate; it doesn't expire.
So I walk into a bar, and there’s people waiting in line to punch me in the face.
That’s the punch line.
Sarcastic Doctor: Tell me.
Guy: I have leukemia in the brain.
Sarcastic Doctor: That doesn't concern me.
Teacher: Can someone tell me the only living thing that can reproduce without sex?
Little Johnny: "Your wife."
One thing you can ask Mario:
"Can you jump up and down for me?"
I was in my first space mission for NASA. As we were orbiting the asteroid belt, I saw a figure. I couldn’t tell who it was, but he spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. He said, “I’m looking for my freekicks and penalties, can you help me find them?” We then decided to aid him.
I'm an orphan, so kidnap me.
Just a pickup line.
"Ayo, bbg, are you Maria? 'Cause you can sure as hell count ME in."
Best friend makes joke about 9/11.
Me: My pop was a part of that!
Best friend: So sorry!
Me: My pop was the pilot of the plane, he flew through 89 floors.
What's the bad version of "Fuck Nirvana, rape me?"
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Username: thelightlessdays
Guys, my girlfriend calls me: "911, help! There’s a strange man in my room and I think he’s on drugs!"
She’s so nice.
I used to have an imaginary friend who I could talk to, and he could grant me wishes and stuff... and then I stopped going to church.
My wife told me to pass her some chapstick, but then I realized she hasn’t talked to me in a month, then remembering I gave her super glue.........ehh I’m done with her big ass mouth.
W2S, you stinky, stanky fad. Seeing your disstracks really makes me wanna fap.
My wife walked in on me cheating on her and said, "How could you cheat on me?!" I said, "She was lying naked on the table what I was supposed to do?" and my wife responded with, "Perform the autopsy."
Sometimes I look at my butt for a really, really long time, and suddenly it all becomes clear to me.