ME jokes

Wait, that's me.

My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn't go into work.

What's the difference between me and you?

I leave white stains in your mom's bed, and you leave white stains in my mom's bed!

My pp was in the Guinness World Record book.

The librarian then asked me to take it out.

Q: What did the Jewish person say when he beat me in a race?

A: Eat my dust.

If you’ve got me, you want to share me; if you share me, you haven’t kept me. What am I?

My dad told me "No electronics at the table," so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

What did the booty say to the chair?

"You complete me!"

Your mom's been giving me attitude lately, so I told her to shut her mouth. When she did, it caused me to lose 4 inches.

What's the funniest thing you ever read? For me it was when Rapboat told me he was a legit rapper.

What did the rapper say to the ATM?

"Show me the money, or I'll drop a BEAT!"

Friend 1: *turns off lights*

Friend 2: *is there with us*

Me: Woah! Where did friend 2 go?!

I met him once, but he wouldn’t give me his autograph!

I don’t have enough money to buy cheese, could you provolone me some money?

After all these walkers, you still walk over me.

I killed a Wood elf yesterday. The guard charged me with... mer-der.

Me and my friends were telling puns. My teacher said we should be “pun-ished.”

Let me Lickitung until you Squirtle.

"Well," he says, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it! It's a fucking asshole."

My friend asked me:

Friend: "How much is your body worth?"

Me: "1 million."

Friend: "1 million dollars?!"

Me: "No. 1 million kilograms."

Friend: "Oh."