ME jokes

Teacher: "Hey, James, this is the third time I asked you a question!"

James: "But you told me not to answer you back!"

My mom said she would miss me if I committed suicide, so we made it double.

Hi... I'm depressed.

I got barred from Weight Watchers today.

It wasn't my fault; it was the fat ass next to me who spilled her box of Maltesers onto the floor in the middle of the room. All I did was say that it was the funniest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that I have ever seen.

Wife: "Honey? What do you think about my teeth?"

Husband: "They remind me of stars... yellow and far apart."

What's the difference between me and you?

I leave white stains in your mom's bed, and you leave white stains in my mom's bed!

Q: What did the Jewish person say when he beat me in a race?

A: Eat my dust.

If you’ve got me, you want to share me; if you share me, you haven’t kept me. What am I?

I asked God why nobody likes me. He showed a reflection of myself.

My wife told me to hang her the salt, so I beat the shit out of her. My name's Kyle, by the way.

Friend: What are you doing?

Me: Putting peanut butter on my balls.

Friend hears in the distance, "Orphans, I have food for you!"

Give me followers instantly!

Me: How many letters are in the alphabet?

That one friend: 11 - T-H-E-- A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T.

Who likes dick? Answer me!

Okay class, who can tell me who the fastest readers are?

The pilots of 9/11 went through the Twin Towers, 6 in 3 seconds.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you just finish me off already?

Hi guys, jokes for sister.

So I was listening to a song about "I hate you, are annoying, sister. I'm small and I'm smart," and when I showed it to her, she killed me, and later I was dancing and crying.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Bagel."

"Bagel who?"

"Toast, it's me, your arch-nemesis, Bagel, here to make up! Bye!"

My friend: "Hey, I see a dwarf!"

Me: "Where?"

Friend: "In front of me."

"1v1 me in Clash, you're trash, bro."