ME jokes

There was a new kid in my school. The first thing the teacher said was, "Me, you, the basement NOW!"

My sister said I'm stupid and I'm a baby, and I said, "Oh, I didn't know we were talking about you."

My wife called me ugly, and then when she found out how much money I actually make, she called me ugly and broke.

Me in my dream: What a good day! *rumble* Ooh! What was that?

I wake up and I find myself on the floor.

My sister beat me in a race. She gave me a raspberry. I was bitter.

Sarcastic Doctor: Tell me.

Guy: I have leukemia in the brain.

Sarcastic Doctor: That doesn't concern me.

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I met him once, but he wouldn’t give me his autograph!

I don’t have enough money to buy cheese, could you provolone me some money?

I killed a Wood elf yesterday. The guard charged me with... mer-der.

After all these walkers, you still walk over me.

I always loved going to Bill Cosby's house; he always greeted me when I woke up with "Rapey-rapey, eggs and bakey."

Evan, me and your mom are done with you.

"Send me back, I never liked you."

I'm like a rubber because people hit me as I can't feel.

What did the 90s rocker Space Engineer in multiplayer Miner yell at the Troll stealing his stuff?

"Hey! give me my Nickelback!"

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

My dad left me.

People: Stop joking about such serious issues!

Me: Kill yourself.

Parents: Why do you use your phone on the toilet?

Me: The same reason you read the newspaper on the toilet.