ME jokes
Jada Smith: Grow some balls!
Me: Grow some hair!
When I become a parent, I’m gonna regurgitate my food to feed my children.
It’ll give me an excuse to make out with my daughter.
Me.
My grandpa asked me to pass him his phone, but I passed him a calculator. He couldn't tell the difference.
When the bully says, "You're adopted," so you hit him with, "At least someone wanted me!"
which meme is the best
What's similar between a pregnant 14 y/o girl and the foetus inside of her?
They both are thinking "My mom's gonna kill me!"
Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"
Do you love water?
Then you love 75% of me!
Q: What season can an orphan see their family tree?
A: Fall.
If you don't get it, in the fall trees have no leaves, there [are] just empty branches, like an orphan's tree.
While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.
Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!
Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.
You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.
Person: You can't kill an orphan!
Me: What are they going to do, go tell their parents?
What's the difference between a school and an ISIS military base? Don't ask me, I only fly the drone.
Me: "I like kids."
What's the difference between me and cancer?
My dad did not beat cancer.
The other day I commented a dark humor joke on a post about a guy who lost his best friend. The joke was “I was so drunk last night I threw a mushroom at a midget and said ‘grow mario grow.’” He commented “What the hell is wrong with you?” and I said “IKR I really gotta work on my alcoholic issues.”
He then replied “This is a post about my dead best friend get the fuck off my feed I don’t even know you.” And so I said “Well then get to know me, I could become your new best friend!”
My step-dad works at a lumberjack company and he took me to work. I went climbing trees later that day and now I'm in the hospital.
My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.
I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."
Me: Pretend your name is “puberty.”
Friend: Ok?
Me: I'mma hit puberty!
*hits my friend*
"Being broke is a disease, stay the fuck away from me."
Riddle me this. Riddle me that.
Why did my parents never come back?