ME jokes

My Mom said she's going to kill me if I don't stop using my computer.

I thought of you today, and it reminded me to take out the trash.

I confessed to my crush in preschool. Unfortunately, she rejected me. I just carried on and got right back to teaching.

My friend: I want to cut myself.

Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.

Little off topic but...

Mum: You wouldn't be here without me.

Son: And my birth certificate is a sorry letter from the condom factory.

Mum: Fair point.

Waitress: What can I get for you?

Me: I'll have a steak.

Waitress: How would you like it?

Me: Immediately!

This guy comes knocking on the door in hell and speaks to God. "Please let me out, it is too cold in here!"

God is all confused. "There is a big fire in there!" The guy answers, "Yes, there is, but you cannot get near it. All the bishops, cardinals, and priests are sitting around it."

Bully: Who you looking at?

Me: A Build-A-Bear.

Bully: Where?

Me: Look in the mirror.

Me going to the principal's after telling the kid with a wheelchair to stand up for himself.

Your mama is so stupid.

Your dad said, "You're driving me crazy," so your mom handed him the keys and said, "You can drive."

Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know, he can't tell me.

I see my friends at school. They talk to me, they go back to class, but they forgot I am their classmate, and they were like, "You're a dumbie." And I was, "Well, you're a dumbass, bi***!"

My friend tried high-fiving me; I left him hanging.

My friend told me I was so dark that I had no bright ideas.

Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? Idaho, Alaska?

What it actually means: Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? I don’t know. I’ll ask her.

P.S. My dad is a history teacher and he told me to put this in here.

Friend: Hi.

Me: Do you know how lost their dad is?

Friend: Me?

Me: Damn, no, not you.

Friend: Then who?

Me: The orphan kid.

I guess we're the same.

When my family goes to weddings, my senior relatives tell me things like “You’re next!” So I started doing the same to them at funerals.

MU, I love your joke, but I cut myself a piece of cake, pie, steak, cheesecake, and anything else I can find.

Timmy Turner: I wish the Vegan Teacher was a cheeseburger.

Wanda: Ok, Timmy.

Timmy: Cosmo, bring her to me!

Cosmo: Here you go, Timmy.

*Timmy eats Miss Kadie*

When you see your mom.

Me: bruh

Her: Are you serious right now bro?

Me: Yeah no shit.

Her: *slaps me*