ME jokes
What's the difference between me and the rest of America?
I love one and hate the other.
Have you ever heard of hearing aids?
Yeah, me neither.
HELP! HELP!
TELL THE PRIEST TO STOP TICKLING ME!
Mommy, mommy! Are we bank robbers?
Shut up and pass me the note.
"Mommy, mommy! Are we janitors?"
"Shut up and pass me the mop."
Memes
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite line in Rambo?
"Don't push me."
My girlfriend broke up with me, so I decided to take her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
What's the difference between me and an orphan's parents?
I actually come back with the milk.
Repeat after me...
Me: "You have a weird style."
Mom: "You have a weird style."
Me: "Um, not your mirror!" *runs away*
I went to the store because I had to go to school to run up downstairs because my phone started calling me because I was playing Mario Kart on my kitchen sink's baby grandma, like if you cry every time.
When a 68 year old teacher says: "I am going to tackle an intruder if I have to!"
Me: "Oh hell nah"
Hello guys. It's me, Donald fuckin' Trump. Ask me anything in the comments, guys.
I was gonna stop for the cops, but I ran because I was high (the song don't copyright me plz).
Yo momma so fat, I asked her to save me a seat, so she sat down and she saved 10, and one by one the legs started popping off.
"Ahoy, Spongebob! I just committed homicide in Syria, and the one-party state is after my fucking ass! Argagagagagaga!"
Me: What do you want to do for your birthday?
Fiancé: I want to go somewhere I've never been before!
Me: Well welcome to the Kitchen!
Why was your mom so into me?
'Cause she was the man.
My name is Devonair.
When I get a haircut, it's always bald.
Kids make fun of me, they call me "dang-near bald head."
My name is Devonair *dev-on-near*
I always thought they were making fun of me because of my name pronounced near.
Q: My dad woke up one morning about to go to work, but he was still really tired, so he decided the quickest way to wake him up was to slap him in the face.
So he asked me to do it, but I guess I don't know my own strength, and so he went back to sleep again...
My ex misses me, but her aim is getting better.