ME jokes

I confessed to my crush in preschool. Unfortunately, she rejected me. I just carried on and got right back to teaching.

A king ordered to execute a gay man.

The gay man came and said, "Please don't behead me, have pity!" The king replied, "I will have pity because I will impale you, let you enjoy your last moments."

If you don't have big Nyash,

Lower your voice while talking to me, you Mau Mau warrior. 😂😂😂

Holy cow!

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

Why the fuck is this guy calling me a crying bitch?

See, this is the best thing about no such thing as vampires because I'd be the first person to say drinks are on me.

Me: Hey! Look at my drawing of deez!

My babysitter: Very nice! But, uh, what’s deez?

Me: (¬‿¬)

Me: Hey, were you born on a highway?

My enemy: Uh, no, why?

Me: Because that’s where most accidents happen.

I wish you were a soap, because I want you all over me.

My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.

Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.

Is it me, or was 9/11 too plane? I thought it would be more exciting.

The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just checking my Facebook quickly before the kettle boils.

I'm dyslexic. My sister was reading, "What's the book?" I asked. She showed me the cover. "You reading 'The Scared Bull'?" I asked. She started laughing. "No, 'The Sacred Bull'!"

If 9/11 happened again, I want to share a selfie of me flying that plane.

I was doing some karate the other day at the studio.

They kicked me out because I was doing “kungi fui.”

One time I was playing a bongo at a Chinese restaurant.

But they were competing against a Cuban restaurant and killed me.

Some guy: making a sandwich.

Me: *rages* to put the ham in!

Hey guys! Just a reminder that the guy below me is a crying bitch! Have a good day!

You can't see me, but when I smile, you can.

Your hairline is so big, it distracts me from your face.