ME jokes

I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.

And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."

My girlfriend is so stupid, she asked me if I wanted to shower with her to save money on our water bill, while we were staying at a hotel where we didn't even have to pay the water bill.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic, but I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

My science teacher was talking about natural selection.

At one point, she asked me to name the first person to theorize about it. I said, "Eric Harris." It was on his shirt.

If you don't get the joke, look up "Eric Harris natural selection."

One, I grow some som more, yea, I am 4. I'm Caillou, I'm Caillou, I'm Caillou, that's me.

One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"

I gave an emo kid money.

He gave me the great depression.

I say these jokes are life saving material. Who's with me?

Someone: "I got chickens out there vibin'."

Me: "What? Oh, you mean those over-sized chickens that just show an example of you in real life?"

Someone: . . .

Once the old lady told me she had wisdom, but after she voted! 🤯

Mum: Why are you throwing a paper plane at the twins?

Me: 😈

The man says, "Can you hump me?" So the other boy says, "Bro bro bro bro bro."

I'm so poor that they let me buy the entire store! For $0...

Why did the blind man cross the road?

Don't ask me, he can't even see where he's going.

What's the difference between me and an orphan?

At least my dad came back.

Me: What do you call an orphan?

Friend: Homeless.

You're so ugly, that's why me and your hairline go far back.

My friend said not to look down on me. I said I can't because I'm shorter than her.

Hello everyone, I would just like to apologize for participating in the protest and everything else I said. I was wrong and have recently found a way to see all these jokes as funny. I hope that you all can forgive me. ALYA

Me: You have pretty eyes.

Her: Thank you.

Me: I can make them roll back 😈🥴