ME jokes

Must be heartwrenching for a loyal husband to watch his wife dry shagging me on the living room carpet.

I mean, once she started, she couldn't get enough.

I was lying on the living room carpet the other day with my girlfriend on top of me in wings and a tutu, making out.

I called her the Fallen Angel.

I like it when your mom keeps on top of things.

(Male fantasy)

Yeah, on top of me on the living room carpet, snogging my face off.

Your mom is the biggest tosser on the planet, yeah, you heard right.

I don't have to strain myself a blood vessel and be wankin' solo anymore; she saved me a whole load of arthritis.

Once you've had the mother,

Don't tell me you've never been tempted to do the daughter.

I got knob cheesed after your sexy mom was on top, dry humping me on the vanilla-coloured living room carpet.

She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.

I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.

I saw a kid sitting on the side and asked if he was an orphan, “what gave me away?” “Well, your parents, for a start.”

What did the rapper say to the fridge?

"Give me a BEET!"

What do math and me on P-hub have in common?

They are both hard.

Me: Which WiFi are we on?

Coworker: Should be floor 89.

Me: What about flight 104?

Coworker: Oh crap!

My mom interrupted my gaming session to tell me to hang up the lights.

I hung something else instead.

If y'all gotta crush on me, tell me now before my dad spends my Valentine's money on crack and alcohol.

Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."

Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."

Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."

Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."

Is it just me, or can I see the Roman Empire from how far back your hairline goes?

I’m so straight, you could call me a supplementary angle.

Hey, pass me that crowbar, please.

Sure... y’know, before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home.

I was going to join the debating team.

... but someone talked me out of it.

Police: Hey man, look at this! *throws cocaine at fan and it flew back into his face* Me: Are you okay? Police: Looks like I "crack"ed the case.

One day I was at church. I had to sit down. I said, "Who in the world stinks?" I looked down. Turns out it was me, and this is not a joke, but funny.