ME jokes
A girl did squats everyday with a 20 pound weight in her hand to finally text her boyfriend, "Show me your dick now!"
I've been looking for my parents for years.
For the life of me, I can't remember where I hid their bodies.
1273. My mother does not love me, nor does anyone, and my family doesn't either.
Mommy, mommy! Are we bank robbers?
Shut up and pass me the note.
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite line in Rambo?
"Don't push me."
Memes
"Ahoy, Spongebob! I just committed homicide in Syria, and the one-party state is after my fucking ass! Argagagagagaga!"
My friend asked me why I haven’t had milk in six years.
I told him my dad never came back with it.
My crush's best friend came up to me and called me my crush's dog 🐕, so then I say, "Wow, you're an ass for calling me a bitch." He then looks at me wide-eyed, and I just walk away.
Person: What's your perfect date look like?
Me: Oh, just hanging around in a tree.
Jada Smith: Grow some balls!
Me: Grow some hair!
For all those Simpsons fans out there, this one I'm sure you know:
Abe: "It's rotten being old. No one listens to you."
Lisa: "It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you."
Homer: "I'm a white male, aged 18-49. Everyone listens to me--no matter how dumb my suggestions are."
Have you ever heard of hearing aids?
Yeah, me neither.
Yo momma so fat, I asked her to save me a seat, so she sat down and she saved 10, and one by one the legs started popping off.
D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: Don't take drugs kids!
Me: My therapist says I need those to live.
D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: _escorts to school counselor_
When a 68 year old teacher says: "I am going to tackle an intruder if I have to!"
Me: "Oh hell nah"
HELP! HELP!
TELL THE PRIEST TO STOP TICKLING ME!
"Mommy, mommy! Are we janitors?"
"Shut up and pass me the mop."
Me: What do you want to do for your birthday?
Fiancé: I want to go somewhere I've never been before!
Me: Well welcome to the Kitchen!
Me: *finds out my dad's an orphan*
No one:
Literally no one:
Me: Time to make his life hell.😈
Me walking away after committing murder in a school with my trusty “friend”.