ME jokes

I want to be a pornstar. Even if I completely suck, they will still give me a firm raise.

What did the squirrel say when he chewed some saggy boobs?

Is it just me or do these taste like nuts?

14 girls asked me to go out today!

I was in the ladies' toilets...

People always call me heartless. That’s not true. I have a heart... it just wasn’t meant for you.

A man walked into a bar and said, "What do you call a cum shot?"

The people running the bar said, "I don't know, nut."

The guy said, "Are you calling me a nut?"

My friend's mom once told me that when Trump was elected president, she said to my friend: "Hey look, an orange became president. We got an orange as a president before a girl as president."

Joe Rogan to Christopher Doemges: "What can you tell me about musicians of the 18th century?" Doemges: "They're all dead already!"

What's the difference between my father and acne?

Acne waited for me to be a teenager before coming on my face.

Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Last week, I made a joke about leftists. Now it is time for me to take shots at the right, and then I will move on to centrists. But I just said the same thing twice.

What do orphans play on Roblox?

Adopt Me.

My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.

I think my butt looks flat, but my boyfriend seems to think the opposite. I told him to be deadass with me.

What did the mad penis say to the vagina? “Don’t make me come in there!”

I bet Steven Hawking $100 if he could catch me.

As soon as he said yes, I climbed up the stairs.

What's the difference between me and Spongebob?

Spongebob can actually get ripped.

My bully to his mom after getting "cooked" by me: "Mama, I can't find my hairline!"

My bully. 😭

"When I was in jail, my girlfriend abandoned me. I created a fascination with becoming a gynecologist. When I got bailed out, I became a Travis Bickle."

Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the inn keeper three nails and says, "Can ya put me up for the night?"

Your mom was absolutely getting drilled by me on the living room floor last night.