ME jokes

For me, the best part of depression is remaining charming around strangers but saving the misery for the ones who love you.

The shark bit me and I feet red down my legs.

I heard that Uranus is pronounced "yuuranus," but it reminded me of urine! 😆

A man was on the street and went up to a kid wearing rags. The man asked, "Hey, are you an orphan?"

The kid said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

The man said, "Your parents."

Hey, my sister said you're Mattick, so I decided to swim with her and she threw a ball at me, so I went to my dad and she said, "Why did you tell dad?" She was crying because I’m not getting a car seat.

Best chick ever.

Call me at 6969696969.

Me: I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut g” and slapping the neck, I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g.”

Emo kid: He said like your bullet holes, G.

Me: I have no bullet holes.

Emo kid: Not yet, you don't.

Me: Ayo what the fuc*.

I burned an orphan's hand and then they said, "You will pay for this."

Me: "What are you going to do? Tell your parents?"

Knock knock.

Who's there?

It's me. I can't get in because Stephen Hawking is in the way.

Why can’t anyone sing “hit me with your best shot” at the veterans ball karaoke?

Because every time she sang the line “fire away,” someone started shooting!

A hobo couple is making out under a bridge.

The girlfriend goes: - Johnny, why is your dick so soft? - Flip me over, I’m trying to shit!

My boyfriend dumped me. Guess who came back crawling for his zimmer frame?

I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.

I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.

My girlfriend didn't bring me the sandwich, so I brought the gas.

Emo: Phone die.

Emo: Why not me? ;(

People are arguing about stopping orphan jokes.

Me: m e h. i d o n t c a r e.

TELL ME YOU'VE DONE THIS WITHOUT TELLING ME YOU'VE DONE THIS.!!! So, we all know when y'all were in school, y'all would fart, but y'all would try to make it silent, but for me, that one day I farted loud, and everyone could hear. Everyone got to blame the annoying kid.

My mom told me to recycle the trash. I guess I’m taking you for another bike ride!

I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies! How silly of me.