ME jokes

Me: Why did the bus drop his ice cream?

Sanity to live: I don't know?

Me: He was run over by Timmy!!!

Sanity to live? *dies*

Me: *At edge of bridge* Wow, sweet view.

Sanity to live: *resurrected*

Narrator: Sometimes a bridge is all you need...

(sponsored by jumping bridges)

Friend: Hey, did you catch that game last night? I did, it was so good! After that I went to Kane’s, because Kane's is amazing! What did you do this weekend? I did-

Me: Dude, are you the Terms and Conditions? Because I don’t give a fuck about what you say.

A guy walks up to me and says, "I wonder if the hookman is real?"

I reply saying, "Yeah, it's Asa Hutchinson, lol."

Me, holding a baby: "Oh my God, it's so cute!"

Also me: "Throw it."

Yo, Rob, you forgot to pay me cause you sucky sucky my thang.

AKA, you're up for adoption.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Don't scare me! I poop easily!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Golly.

Golly who?

Godly leave me alone!

Let me tell you a joke about pizza!

Never mind...

It's too cheesy.

"Hay, can you help me to her on..." No, that is gross. I meant my car.

I heard my neighbors having sex, and it was annoying me, so I called my girlfriend to ask if she wanted to go out, but when I called her, I heard my neighbors' phone ringing.

Life is better without my dad annoying me (him smacking me, screaming for something useless, limiting my screen time, and much more).

My wife asked me to please quit singing "Wonderwall" in the shower.

I said, "Maybe."

My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.

I did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

I finally asked my deadbeat dad what makes him happy. His answer? He hasn't gotten back to me.

10/7 is probably a spinoff of 9/11.

You can't convince me otherwise.

I tried to fight a razor. It cut me so deep I thought I would die.

Turns out he didn't kill me. I was never happy, but that shit made me angry.

You know why you remind me of a calculator? Because 1+1 equals the two of us.

What's the difference between me and a knife?

One has a point, and the other doesn't.

My father told me to always carry a women's bag, but I don't know why he called the cops on me when I helped Mom's bag when we went parachuting. :(