ME jokes

Person: "How many people have you had intercourse with?"

Me: "Nun."

Are you a gravestone?

Because I really wish you were on top of me right now!

Is it just me, or do these gays need to leave me alone?

Person: You can't kill an orphan!

Me: What are they going to do, go tell their parents?

I gave Helen Keller an Oculus and AirPods for her 12th birthday, and she hated them and me.

My parents told me that when they had sex, it was absolutely shambles.

Thankfully, it turned out that they were real balls.

Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.

I walked up to 2 people kissing and stared.

After a little while, they asked me if I minded. I said no, I don’t mind.

Me and my life.

A guy walks up to me and says, "I wonder if the hookman is real?"

I reply saying, "Yeah, it's Asa Hutchinson, lol."

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock who?" "Can you let me in now?"

Don't scare me! I poop easily!

Me: Why did the bus drop his ice cream?

Sanity to live: I don't know?

Me: He was run over by Timmy!!!

Sanity to live? *dies*

Me: *At edge of bridge* Wow, sweet view.

Sanity to live: *resurrected*

Narrator: Sometimes a bridge is all you need...

(sponsored by jumping bridges)

My friend thinks he is funny.

He told me that the only food that makes you cry is an onion, so I threw a coconut at him.

Friend: Hey, did you catch that game last night? I did, it was so good! After that I went to Kane’s, because Kane's is amazing! What did you do this weekend? I did-

Me: Dude, are you the Terms and Conditions? Because I don’t give a fuck about what you say.

I've done a skele-TON of work to think of this joke. Trust me, I've got a FEW more jokes!

Me, holding a baby: "Oh my God, it's so cute!"

Also me: "Throw it."

Yo, Rob, you forgot to pay me cause you sucky sucky my thang.

AKA, you're up for adoption.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

To you, Iron Man may seem cool or awesome, but to me, he is pretty ironic.