ME jokes

What does Christian say when he wants out of jail?

"Bale me out!"

I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.

AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!

I did not want to join sailing, but my friend roped me into it.

I wondered why the pitcher hadn’t pitched the ball yet.

Then it hit me.

Guys tell me that I have a MILF for a mom. So I told my mom that guys tell me that she is a MILF. My mom said to me, "What is a MILF?" so I said, "Mother I'd Like TO F-ck." So my mom started to laugh and said, "Well, you do need a new step dad."

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

One day an old woman came into the bank and asked me to check her balance... So, I pushed her over.

Evan, this is Mya, and your mom told me you were adopted, so we are done. Bye, don’t talk to me.

I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" and the man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon!"

You want a pizza from me!!!!

When the phone is ringing, Dad says, "If it's for me, don't answer it."

Living in Houston, Texas, and realizing that hurricanes are an annual threat, my ex-wife called me and asked what would be the safest route to get out of Houston to avoid a hurricane. My answer? Take the 610 loop, dear!

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Boo." "Boo who?" "Don't cry in front of me, or else I'll cry!"

Chris started to tell me a joke about a nut, but he couldn't finish it.

Spanish is difficult. When my mom gives me food, she says "toma," and that's drink in English, so I always drink my food.

One day I went to my friend's apartment, and he told me to make myself at home.

I threw him out of the window. I hate having visitors!

An Aboriginal Australian told me that I was on his farmland.

So I told him he was on my cock.

(I'm Australian btw, respect to my American bros🇺🇸)

Is your mom a virgin?

Mine is.

How am I alive?

You tell me.

Your mom has a bone to pick with me.

My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."

I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."