ME jokes

Husband: I look fat, can someone compliment me?

Wife: You have good eyesight.

Friend: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

Friend: Your life.

Me: Ahhh, I wish!

*jumps off building*

One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.

Kalyn: Mrs. Frizzle,

Mrs. Frizzle: Sure.

Kalyn: Can you spell I-C-U-P for me?

Mrs. Frizzle: Shut up, you little fucktard!

Your classmate: You're so ugly.

Me: That's what your mom said when she had you and called you a mistake.

Yo, look, they give me and my girl free pizza and a big bottle of rabbit wine. Yay, yay! Don't drink too much of it; you might turn into a wine rabbit.

I was having a party in my basement, and my friend asked me what that bag covered in blood was for. I said, "Oh, that's the bag I catch the children with to torture them in this basement."

I work at a bank and an old woman asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

So I went to the bank and a lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.

My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a train? The train will touch me.

My girl got mad at me last night for saying to my mom that she had a dildo ready at all times and is always hard, so my mom wanted to see. So I whipped out my penis and my mom said it’s bigger than your dad’s!

What did the skeleton say to Shrek?

"Jump on me. I can have two layers of skin too."

What did the skeleton say when the other skeleton lied to him?

"You can't lie to me! I can see right through you!"

What did the Emo say to the surgeon? "Cut me, please!"

I did not want to join sailing, but my friend roped me into it.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" and the man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon!"

Guys tell me that I have a MILF for a mom. So I told my mom that guys tell me that she is a MILF. My mom said to me, "What is a MILF?" so I said, "Mother I'd Like TO F-ck." So my mom started to laugh and said, "Well, you do need a new step dad."

Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted. Me and my dad were just texting.