ME jokes

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a train? The train will touch me.

So I went to the bank and a lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.

My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.

My girl got mad at me last night for saying to my mom that she had a dildo ready at all times and is always hard, so my mom wanted to see. So I whipped out my penis and my mom said it’s bigger than your dad’s!

When the phone is ringing, Dad says, "If it's for me, don't answer it."

You want a pizza from me!!!!

Your mom has a bone to pick with me.

I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.

AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!

I wondered why the pitcher hadn’t pitched the ball yet.

Then it hit me.

What did the skeleton say when the other skeleton lied to him?

"You can't lie to me! I can see right through you!"

What's the difference between a chicken and me? None, they both don't watch right and left before crossing the road.

What does Christian say when he wants out of jail?

"Bale me out!"

Guys tell me that I have a MILF for a mom. So I told my mom that guys tell me that she is a MILF. My mom said to me, "What is a MILF?" so I said, "Mother I'd Like TO F-ck." So my mom started to laugh and said, "Well, you do need a new step dad."

I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" and the man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon!"

I work at a bank and an old woman asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

Chris started to tell me a joke about a nut, but he couldn't finish it.

Living in Houston, Texas, and realizing that hurricanes are an annual threat, my ex-wife called me and asked what would be the safest route to get out of Houston to avoid a hurricane. My answer? Take the 610 loop, dear!

What did the skeleton say to Shrek?

"Jump on me. I can have two layers of skin too."

What did the Emo say to the surgeon? "Cut me, please!"

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.