ME jokes

I was having a party in my basement, and my friend asked me what that bag covered in blood was for. I said, "Oh, that's the bag I catch the children with to torture them in this basement."

Your classmate: You're so ugly.

Me: That's what your mom said when she had you and called you a mistake.

Yo, look, they give me and my girl free pizza and a big bottle of rabbit wine. Yay, yay! Don't drink too much of it; you might turn into a wine rabbit.

My girl got mad at me last night for saying to my mom that she had a dildo ready at all times and is always hard, so my mom wanted to see. So I whipped out my penis and my mom said it’s bigger than your dad’s!

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a train? The train will touch me.

So I went to the bank and a lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.

Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted. Me and my dad were just texting.

My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.

I work at a bank and an old woman asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

I told my fam a joke.

They all looked at me weird and one person even said, "I’m sorry!"

Others, tearfully: Stop shipping real people!!

Me, packing an old lady in a FedEx box: Nope!

What's up, bitches? Miss me?

Bully: Shut up.

Me: I don't shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you, I throw up.

My sister is so ugly that she had to have a child with me to keep the family tree going.

What did the skeleton say when the other skeleton lied to him?

"You can't lie to me! I can see right through you!"

What did the Emo say to the surgeon? "Cut me, please!"

What did the skeleton say to Shrek?

"Jump on me. I can have two layers of skin too."

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."

"Interesting."

"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.

What's the difference between a chicken and me? None, they both don't watch right and left before crossing the road.