ME jokes

My Dad: Son, history always repeats itself.

Me: So you're gonna leave me again?

Talk to me if you're online.

My cousin’s friend spelled “racist” wrong and when my cousin showed me, the first thing I said to my cousin’s friend is “Go to Grammarly. They REALLY teach you spelling.”

A customer came to me and asked for condoms for tiny dicks.

Me running from the principal because I put ten woman's rights books in the fictional section!

I took the trash to the recycling bin, and two days later, my mom asked me, "Where's your sister?" I said, "In the recycling line to be turned into a bottle."

Girlfriend: Babe, what do you think of our love?

Me: Look at the stars in the sky.

Girlfriend: Aww... it’s infinity, right?

Me: No, it’s a waste of time.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you.

Me: Whatever, when I take out the trash, I think of you.

Hey guys, so we have a friend group and we need followers and people! So far it's me and Royal. If you want to join just comment why and you're in unless people have reasons to not want you!

What do you name a family reunion of an orphan?

"Me time."

Is your mom a virgin?

Mine is.

How am I alive?

You tell me.

Hey any riding with Biden fans out there?

I ran out of gas and could really use a ride so if one of ya'll can call me and pick me up that'd be great and I can't get gas because I only have 20 bucks which is like 1-5 and a half, help me please.

Asian kid: I’m not a doctor, and I’m not good at math.

Me: That’s what I call an orphan!

What did the constipated bum say to the other bum?

Piss don't s**t on me!

The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”

Would you rather date me or a lady?

I laid deez nuts in your mouth.

My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?

Me and my suicidal friend are close, so I took him to the mall to treat him.

We bought snacks, a new controller for his Xbox, and LED lights for his room to hopefully brighten his mood. After we scanned the last item, the machine beeped by itself.

Coach: Why can't orphans play baseball?

Me: Because they can't get a homerun.

What do you call a traffic light that tells you, "Don't look, I am changing!"

Me: *Calls friend* "Dude, I just fell off a 50-foot ladder!"

Friend: "Bro, you ok?!"

Me: "Yeah, lucky I only fell off the first step!"