ME jokes

When the phone is ringing, Dad says, "If it's for me, don't answer it."

What did the skeleton say to Shrek?

"Jump on me. I can have two layers of skin too."

What did the skeleton say when the other skeleton lied to him?

"You can't lie to me! I can see right through you!"

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

One day an old woman came into the bank and asked me to check her balance... So, I pushed her over.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."

"Interesting."

"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.

I did not want to join sailing, but my friend roped me into it.

I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" and the man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon!"

Your mom has a bone to pick with me.

What's the difference between a chicken and me? None, they both don't watch right and left before crossing the road.

What does Christian say when he wants out of jail?

"Bale me out!"

I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.

AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!

Evan, this is Mya, and your mom told me you were adopted, so we are done. Bye, don’t talk to me.

Guys tell me that I have a MILF for a mom. So I told my mom that guys tell me that she is a MILF. My mom said to me, "What is a MILF?" so I said, "Mother I'd Like TO F-ck." So my mom started to laugh and said, "Well, you do need a new step dad."

Chris started to tell me a joke about a nut, but he couldn't finish it.

Spanish is difficult. When my mom gives me food, she says "toma," and that's drink in English, so I always drink my food.

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Boo." "Boo who?" "Don't cry in front of me, or else I'll cry!"

My sister is so ugly that she had to have a child with me to keep the family tree going.

Bully: Shut up.

Me: I don't shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you, I throw up.