ME jokes

WiFi

    • Me: Hey, do you wanna hear a joke?

    Friend: Sure.

    Me: Why don't churches have WiFi?

    Friend: Why?

    Me: They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.

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    • Covid

    • Me running out of the hospital after telling COVID patients to stay "positive."

    ME memes

    Pregnancy

    • My mother was so sad after my grandpa's death, she went into the bathroom with my uncle, and I could hear their moans of sorrow. She then surprised me later on, saying that she was pregnant.

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    • Boy

    • A boy was following me for 8 years, even into the stall. I finally told him I’m not gay.

    Fred

    • Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

    In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

    As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

    She replies, "No".

    Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

    His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

    Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

    She replies, "No."

    Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

    His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

    After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

    His mom says "No."

    He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

    His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

    He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

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    • 9/11

    • 9/11 isn't something we should joke about. Some people can remember where they were when they found out. I'll never forget where I was when I found out.

    It was 9:37, September 10th, 2001. I was in a cave in Iraq when my friend Mohammad told me.

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    • Priest

    • A girl walks into the church and confesses.

    Girl: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

    Priest: "How have you sinned, may I ask?"

    Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

    Priest: "Why did you call a man a son of a bitch?"

    Girl: "He held my hand."

    Priest: "Like this?" (He holds the girl's hand.)

    Girl: "Yes, Father."

    Priest: "That does not explain why you called a man a bitch."

    Girl: "He started taking off my clothes."

    Priest: "Like this?" (He takes off the girl's clothes.)

    Girl: "Yes, Father."

    Priest: "That also doesn't explain why you called the man a bitch."

    Girl: "Then he took off his clothes and put his you know what into my you know what."

    Priest: "Like this?" (He puts his you know what into her you know what.)

    Girl: "Yes, Father! Yes, Father!"

    Priest: "Then what?"

    Girl: "Then he got up and left me naked."

    Priest: "That son of a bitch!"

    Blind

    • I was talking to a Muslim yesterday, and he asked me what it's like to be blind.

    I happened to tell him about 20 jokes; in fact, I was working on my twentieth. So I answered with, "At least I don't have to screw in light bulbs. It's not like I need the damn things anyway."

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    • Friend

    • So guys, I have a friend who is named Sarah, and I was riding bikes with her the other day, and she told me she is gay. I totally support her. I love that she is open about it and not scared to tell people about it. I hope you guys can support her too! I love you all! :)))

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    • Relationship

    • 1st graders: Ay yo girl, I think you’re beautiful, let’s get married!!

    2nd graders: Uhh, don’t tell my mom that we’re dating!! She won’t let me date! Let’s keep this a seeeeecret heeheehee.

    3rd graders: Uh, my teacher told me to stay after school because I wrote a poem about you and I’m 9 years old, we have to break up, sweetie.

    4th graders: Hey, I think you’re cute!! Wanna date? I don’t think my girlfriend will mind.......

    5th graders (they start wearing makeup): Ay girl, your eyelashes are pretty, I like you now, wanna date? Here’s my numberrrrrr.

    6th graders: Heyyyyy, I gotta tell you a secret, I got a crush on you!! Don’t tell anyone!! Byeee, ooh, I’ll text you later!

    7th graders: We need to make Peyton jealous because she broke up with you!! Wanna date? I mean, you’re not hot, but still, great personalityyyyy, alright, bye now.

    8th graders: Hi sweetheart, I got STARRRBUCKKKSSS

    Me: UGLY AF AND LITERALLY NO BOYFRIEND.....

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    • Burglar

    • A burglar breaks into the home of a weapons engineer. He wants to steal some of his weapons from his strictly secured chamber. When he breaks in through the window to go into his weapons cellar, he realizes that the inventor is at home and heard him from upstairs.

    The burglar shouts, "Hands up, there is no escape!" The engineer shouts, "What do you want from me?" The thief answers impatiently, "Well, what do you think? I know what you're hiding here. Get me entry to your armory, right away!" "Never in my life will I do that!" The burglar pulls out his pistol, "Either you let me in, or you go for it!"

    "Well, I'll give up, I'll give you my guns. Please don't shoot me." The burglar grins gleefully, "Thank you." "I even have a gun here that I've been working on lately. You can have it." The burglar then thinks and grunts, "Okay, before you open up, you'll show me this first!"

    The inventor says, "It's shooting plasma. You can test it on one of my practice goals that I've made while I'm unlocking," and points to a side room where various dummies with targets are set up. The burglar walks into the room with the targets, focuses on the red dot in the middle of the disc, and pushes off. But the gun does not fire plasma or at the target. Instead, the gun fires a bullet at the burglar. This causes him to bleed to the ground.

    The engineer behind him began to laugh, "Hahaha! I knew you were falling for it! This is not a plasma gun at all; this is my latest invention, especially for burglars like you: the backward-shooting pistol."

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