ME jokes
Friend: If you don't like my bad jokes, I will tell some stand up comedy.
Me: But you are not standing:)
Me: I know how to use a microwave!
Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!
True story.
I was thinking about you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He says to the bartender, "I have a deal, if I can hold my dick in the alligator's mouth for a minute without it biting, you owe me one drink." And so the bartender agreed.
The man, like he said, had his dick in the alligator's mouth for one minute without it biting, and the bartender gave him a drink. He made another deal, but for two minutes and for two drinks. Sure enough, he was able to do it and he drank his drinks. Then he did it for five minutes and five drinks. He did it and drank his drinks. Then he said to the amazed crowd, "Would anyone like to volunteer?" One man raised his hand. He walked up to the man with the alligator and said, "Just a warning, I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long."
How I Punch my Brother: Wooden Sword.
How he is telling Dad: Diamond Sword.
How hard my Dad is gonna punch me: Warden Punch.
What its like being online xd
I walk into a bar. There was a line of people waiting to punch me. Yup. That was the punch line.
If I told you, you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
Once my cat was playing video games. I was OVERWATCHing him.
I asked him to PAWS the game. He then hissed at me. I was surprised; he usually has a good PURRsonality. He said he YARNED to play the game.
The best joke in the world is me.
Don't say that you're not a joke. Jokes have meanings.
Me: Hey, what book are you reading?
Him: "The Twisted Ones."
Me: Uh, I guess that book is pretty twisted.
You know why they call me 007?
0 girls.
0 chances.
7 restraining orders.
BFF: Dude, come over to my house right now!
Me: What? No way, it's 2:58 AM.
BFF: But I just found my brother's secret stash of Oreos!
Me: I'll be over in 5 minutes.
You know how girls say, "I would have sex with you if you were the last person on earth"? Well, who's gonna stop me?
A woman once falsely accused me of rape, and I was sentenced to life in prison.
PLEASE CONSIDER LAUGHING now 😂
Why did the orphan cry when the teacher yelled at him?
Because the teacher said, "Don't make me call your parents!"
I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.
My roasts aren't funny. At least this shit gets me money.
A girl asked me to eat her out one time... so I put her in the oven.
*Chatting with a stranger on the internet*
Me: Hi, how are you?
A stranger: I'm fine, hbu?
Me: I'm good. 🤷♂️
My mom told me that her doctor told her personally that she had to keep herself isolated because she has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great ass.