ME jokes
Ariana Grande agrees with me on something: women belong in the kitchen and bedroom.
Oh, you need a lesbian joke?
Uhh... gimme a second....
Me???
One day, little Johnny and little Susan were in bible class. Little Susan had been tired that day, so she kept falling asleep. The teacher said to little Susan, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a push pin, and she yelled, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher goes, "That's right, go back to bed." Then, the next thing the teacher asked was, "Who gave up their son for our sins?" Little Johnny poked her again, and she yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher says, "That's right, go back to bed." The next question the teacher asked was, "What did Adam say to Eve after their 13th child?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt again. She yelled, "If you stick that thing in me again, I am going to break it in half and shove it up your own ass and see how you like it!"
If it does more than pee, it's too old for me!
What has 4 hairy legs and fucks my sister?
Me & my dad!
I find it best to screw people with memory loss. I mean, what's my grandma gonna do? Describe me to the cops?
I've been told I've got a perfect cock.
She sure was hard on me when I took it from her, though.
My friend got a sorry excuse for a new hair style, she says "How do you like my new hair style?"
Me: I think it's a great idea, when are you getting one?
I saw a piece of cheese and it told me a joke, but the joke was too cheesy.
I stepped on a cornflake. They accused me of being a serial killer.
*At A Funeral For Someone Who Jumped Off A Building* Victim's Mom: "I wonder what was the last thing that went through his head..."
Me: "Honestly... Probably his ass."
Anybody know a girl named Candice? She just added me on snap.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
Guy: Michael Jackson wasn’t in ancient times!
Me: hee hee egypt.
The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
Papyrus: Well come to the underground.
Sans: How was your falls?
Papyrus: G-g-good luck eve-ever ge-getting o-out.
Sans: Give me your balls!
Are you Jeffrey Dahmer? Because I'd love you to eat me.
I bought a wooden whistle. I tried so hard, but it wouldn't whistle.
So I bought a steel one. It still wouldn't let me whistle. Then I got a lead one. It still wouldn't lead me whistle. Then I realised, they were flutes, so the wood would lead me whistle if I did it correctly. Steel....
What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?
I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”
They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.