ME jokes
Guy: Michael Jackson wasn’t in ancient times!
Me: hee hee egypt.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?
I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”
They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.
Friend: Like what?
Me: My name, my address, my phone number...
He hE he HE
What did the mother say to Michael J. on the beach?
"Excuse me sir, but you're in my son!"
Orphan: What are you doing tonight?
Me: Your mum... oh wait, you don't have one.
Papyrus: HUMAN, WHY ARE YOU SAD?
Me: I'm just BONELY.
Sans: Good one kiddo.
Sans: Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Papyrus: Because he looked like me.
Sans: Sure.
I find it best to screw people with memory loss. I mean, what's my grandma gonna do? Describe me to the cops?
If it does more than pee, it's too old for me!
The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
What has 4 hairy legs and fucks my sister?
Me & my dad!
I've been told I've got a perfect cock.
She sure was hard on me when I took it from her, though.
My friend got a sorry excuse for a new hair style, she says "How do you like my new hair style?"
Me: I think it's a great idea, when are you getting one?
I saw a piece of cheese and it told me a joke, but the joke was too cheesy.
I stepped on a cornflake. They accused me of being a serial killer.
*At A Funeral For Someone Who Jumped Off A Building* Victim's Mom: "I wonder what was the last thing that went through his head..."
Me: "Honestly... Probably his ass."
I bought a wooden whistle. I tried so hard, but it wouldn't whistle.
So I bought a steel one. It still wouldn't let me whistle. Then I got a lead one. It still wouldn't lead me whistle. Then I realised, they were flutes, so the wood would lead me whistle if I did it correctly. Steel....
My girlfriend accused me of cheating, and I said to her, "You're starting to sound like my wife."