ME jokes
My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"
Every time someone calls me fat, I get so depressed I cut myself... a piece of cake.
1 like = 1 kid in the bed with me.
Roses are red, I'm off the grid,
John Cena accidentally says "you can't see me" to a blind kid.
You are able to travel to the anime world, believe me, Michael Jackson did it.
Me: “You guys wanna know a cool fact?”
Friend 1: “Yeah.”
Friend 2: “Yea.”
Me: “Japan is RIGHT that way. If we swim all night...we’ll be able to get to Japan.”
Friend 3: “I love anime.”
Friend 1 & 2: “Nononononononononono!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Me: *Laughs at Friend 3*
My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."
Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? Idaho, Alaska?
What it actually means: Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? I don’t know. I’ll ask her.
P.S. My dad is a history teacher and he told me to put this in here.
Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her... so I said yes.
Someone asked me to go to hell, so I drove to my local middle school.
Son: What's for dinner tonight?
Mom: Steak!
Son: Mom, you know I only eat veggies, so what's for me?
Mom: HUNGER!
Kid 1: I like you! Do you like me?
Kid 2: No. You never asked if I love you!
Kid 1: Aw, do you love me?
Kid 2: No!
Everyone tells me I need to stop making prostitute jokes.
I guess they're whore-ible.
Her: "Land of the free".
Me: *fat*
Her: What do you mean?
Me: It's not fat-free.
Orphan: Asks you random joke. What is the difference between my boomerang and my parents?
Me: The boomerang came back.
I got suspended for asking an emo kid if he wants to hang out with me.
A teacher wanted to sing, so she did. This is what she said:
"You have no family, even though you're broker than me."
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then didn't talk to her for the rest of the day for no reason.
Your hairline is so long that when you finally found the length of it, you told someone and they said, "Don't give me your phone number."
Girlfriend: "Would you still love me if I was a figment of your imagination?"
My schizophrenic ass: Of course I would.