ME jokes

I had sex with my dog once, and my cat hissed at me for not doing her.

This kinda reminds me of when my mum was feeding me. She always used to say, "Open wide for the delicious plane."

The E and F in Orphan stands for Every one in their Family.

Me: yep they definitely have one 100% 💯

I went up to the blind kid and said, "Can you get that for me?" and he said, "I can't, I'm blind." And so I said, "I see."

My sister: You were born ugly.

Me: I'm not a mirror, sis.

"Does this make any cents?" a man says.

"Oh, it does make cents," me. <-- thing: Lemin"aid" <-- another joke.

What were Michael Jackson's last words? "Take me to the children's hospital."

What did the toaster say to the piece of bread? "I want you inside me."

Luke asks his friend, "How old is your father?"

James replied, "He's as old as me."

Luke then said, "It doesn't make any sense."

James then said, "He became my father when I was born."

When someone says don't talk back to me, say, "I wasn't aware that answering a question was considered talking back."

Treat me like a joke, and I will leave you like it's funny.

Your hairline is so far back it makes me look like Shaq O'Neal.

What's the difference between me and a corpse? I mean, I'm not dead... yet, right?

A little girl asks her mum, "Mummy how was I born?"

Her mother smiled and replied: "Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day."

"The seed slowly grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant. So me and Daddy took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom!"

Me: Ice woman diary: a witch's tin key.

Other: What? You said, "I swim in diarrhea, which is stinky?"

For some reason, my mom likes to lick and suck on hotdogs. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

Knock knock, who's there? God.

God who? NO, you idiot, there is no God. I am your father and you have locked me out of my own house!

Guy: Michael Jackson wasn’t in ancient times!

Me: hee hee egypt.

Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.

Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."

Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?

Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.