ME jokes

Friend: Did Jesus die a virgin?

Me: Of course not, he got nailed before he died.

So little Susie came home and said, "Mom, little Johnny showed me his pecker."

And her mom said, "WHAT?!"

And little Susie was like, "Yeah, it reminded me of a peanut." Her mom said, "Oh, because it was so small?"

Susie said, "No, because it tasted salty."

I will remember my auntie's last words: "If you shoot me, your p-nis is small!"

(gun shot)

Kid: Wanna hear a joke?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Why diddncjcjcbfjcbcjdbbskzmzj b b j no?

Me:?

What did the tomato say to the empty ketchup bottle? "GOD STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

In America, 1 in 10 houses has a paedophile.

Not me, I live next to a smoking hot 8-year-old.

Why did my dad leave me and my mum?

I told him it wasn't big enough and then ran off saying, "Daddy, yeeeees!"

What do you call a Downey with glasses?

No, me neither.

Kid: "Hey, are you an orphan?"

Friend: "Yeah, but you are too."

Kid: "At least my parents wanted me."

To all of you making jokes about orphans, it’s all fun and games until both of your parents leave you.

LMFAO (my parents left me and it’s not the funniest thing ever)

Mom! Mom! The class called me an orphan.

"Ketchup with me, you are too slow."

I was born and raised in Newcastle.

My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.

My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"

So, there's Fred and Frank. Now, they've been friends for years, but Fred, see, he's depressed. Badly.

Either way, so F+F are texting each other, and here's how it goes: (this is my first joke, so please don't judge too harshly)

Frank: Yo

Fred: Hi...

Frank: U heard about de competition?

Fred: Yeah...

Frank: You wanna hang out?

Fred: .......

Frank: What? I've got some noose (news) for you.

Fred: ...I(

Frank: Fine.... I guess we need to think of a plan, though. We don't wanna be hanging on the end.

Fred: *sigh* You know....you really can't rope me into this competition.

"I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying."

- Charlie Chaplin

Friends, who's your barber? They mess up big time.

Me.

You're just jealous because my dad cuts my hair for free, and you have to be paying 30 dollars just for that short-ass cut.

Mom: You will make me kill myself.

Me who has cut first: I'll kill myself ✨first✨!

Mom says: "I will go kill myself."

Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*

Some time later me fighting with my mom:

Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"

Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"

Lesson?

So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?

So NFL teams were playing football on me, and then Justin Jefferson hit something called "the gritty" on me.