ME jokes
My friends were really annoying me at my birthday party, so I decided to pop a balloon to spook them.
Maybe going on a hot air balloon ride wasn't the best idea.
Last week, I was on a plane to Manchester when suddenly the plane was hit by a ball. I wondered where it came from, but I soon realized it was none other than Penaldo practicing his free kicks. Shame on you, Penaldo, for almost killing me!
On the 12th day of Christmas Peo Pessi gave to me:
12 tap ins
11 pointless dribbles
10 fixed league titles
9 missed penalties
8-2
6 dives
500 million robbed from Barca
4 UCL semi losses
3 times he blamed Higuain
2 retirements
And a transfer to a farmers league.
My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.
I told them, "because I’m such a noose-ance."
Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."
Boy: "What's that?"
Grandpa: "What's what?"
What did the traffic light say to the other?
"Hey, stop looking at me! I'm changing!"
How do I get out of the toilet seat? Help me, please. I'm very stuck!
You: What do you call a door knob without the lock?
Me: I don't know.
You: Are you sure?
Me: I don't know.
You: Okay.
Why are you mad because no one wants to adopt me?
"Brown bear, brown bear, what do you see?" I see a blind man looking at me.
"Blind man, blind man, what do you see?"
Oh sorry, I forgot you can't see.
Friend: Slavery isn't good.
Other friend: Yeah, it's terrible.
Me: Shut up and get me a juice!
It’s me back at it again.
The earth was flat till they buried yo mama!!!
I asked a girl I met if I could take her out to dinner.
The joke is I knew right after she said, "I'll call you," she was lying to me, not surprised even a little.
The next joke was a part of me hoped she would call, but did I really think she was going to? I'll never be good enough for anyone, what was I thinking, why did I even bother to ask her in the first place? I think it was just to prove I was right, I'm unwanted.
LONELINESS EQUALS SADNESS.
My mom told me to get off the computer or she will slam my head into the keyboard.
I don't think she lskdjfklsdjf.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a big word for a six-year-old.
My gf dumped me, so I took her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
Me: I'm retarded.
Teacher: Why?
Me: It took me 2 hours to see "60 Minutes."
A woman has been raped by a man. She calls the police, and a policeman shows up.
Woman: "Please help, officer! I have been raped!"
Officer: "No problem, ma'am, I will just unrape you."
Woman: "What? Unrape me? How?"
Officer proceeds to bring back the rapist and forces the woman to rape the rapist back in order to cancel out the initial rape.
"Knock knock?"
"Who's there?"
"Depression"
"Depression wh-"
ME!! *runs away*
I'm a gay depressed person. Would that make me a happy unhappy person?