ME jokes
Huh what you say?
Come fight me, suck a dick.
Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?
Me: Oh, I wan-
Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.
Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.
But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Your secret is safe with me. I walnut tell a soul.
A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.
The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"
The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."
The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."
So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"
The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."
The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.
"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.
"Let it go, LET IT GO!" Blah blah blah whatever the rest of the song says dun dun blah blah blah my mom never bothered me anyway.
I'm bored 😴 so that's why I sang in my wonderful voice for a few seconds and wasted your time.
The bell rings, and Ana was about to leave, but the teacher said, "The bell doesn't dismiss you, I do."
The next day, Ana was late, and the teacher asked, "Why are you late?" Ana replied with, "The bell doesn't tell me when I should arrive, I do."
What’s similar between a pregnant 12 year old and the fetus inside of her?
They’re both thinking, “Oh, shit, my mum’s gonna kill me!”
My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"
I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"
I hope death is a woman. That way, she'll never come for me.
Yesterday, a guy threw a liter of milk at me.
How dairy!
Guy: Are you depression? 'Cause you're crippling me.
Car driver: No, I'm the guy that hit you with his car and crippled you.
Guy: Don't worry, I was already crippled because I got crippling depression.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair and guess who came crawling back!
What’s the difference between me and grass? Grass doesn’t cut itself.
So a lady came up to me today at the bank, and she asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Give me baby girl names for a pregnant YouTuber.
My sister told me words don't hurt her, so I chucked a dictionary at her.
My mum told me to do the dog poo, but I couldn't find you anywhere.
I fell in love with my computer because it helps me Excel.
What did the parents say to the orphans?
"YOU CAN'T SEE ME!"