ME jokes
Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.
My mum told me to take out the trash, but I couldn’t find you.
I can never get away from my dog, he follows me everywhere. I think you two would be really good friends.
Me: Are you an alien?
Friend: No.
Me: Yeah, because you're too ugly to be one.
How did my dad know I was gay?
He stuck his cock in me and I liked it.
I was making fun of an orphan, then I realized he tracked me down. I made a bad decision. He was Batman!
Little Johnny went on a camping trip. All the tents were taken, so he shared with the teacher. So Little Johnny says: "Can I play with your bellybutton? My mom always lets me when we camp." So the teacher says: "Sure." 5 minutes later the teacher says: "Woah, woah, woah that's not my bellybutton!" Little Johnny says: "Woah, woah, woah, that's not my finger."
This bitch won't message me anymore, what the fuck do I do? Why are bitches so sensitive?
Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.
That made my father very mad, as we didn't have a fireplace.
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."
Tell me morbid jokes in comments so I have some jokes for my friend.
Here’s another joke my friend told me.
What did the school shooter do when the librarian told him to be quiet? Pulled out a silencer.
My mum told me to take you to the zoo and throw you in the lake, but I couldn't find you.
My mom told me we were flying to a building to see my aunt. I wondered, "Are we about to relive 9/11?"
Me: Knock knock.
My sister: Who's there?
Me: I eat mop.
My sister: I eat mop who?
My mind: I eat my poo.
My sister getting it.
I wanted to bomb a restaurant, so I went in there with a bomb, but the bomb got diffused and did not work.
I asked a person standing nearby. I said, "Hey, do you know how to fix this bomb so I can blow up this place?"
He gave me a book.
It was the Quran.
I said, "What the hell is that?"
He said, "This is the official manual for bomb making."
Day 70 without sex, my doctor asked me, "Are you sexually active?" I said, "Why, what you tryna do?"
Me: Name all the planets.
Other person: Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Neptune, Mercury, Uranus.
Me: Not my anus!
Girl: How much do you love me?
Me: Count the stars in the sky.
Girl: Aww, it's infinite!
Me: No, just a waste of time.
What's the difference between you and me?
I have a plan for this new year.
So long, suckers. Keep scrolling.