ME jokes

I wanted to bomb a restaurant, so I went in there with a bomb, but the bomb got diffused and did not work.

I asked a person standing nearby. I said, "Hey, do you know how to fix this bomb so I can blow up this place?"

He gave me a book.

It was the Quran.

I said, "What the hell is that?"

He said, "This is the official manual for bomb making."

Day 70 without sex, my doctor asked me, "Are you sexually active?" I said, "Why, what you tryna do?"

Me: Name all the planets.

Other person: Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Neptune, Mercury, Uranus.

Me: Not my anus!

Girl: How much do you love me?

Me: Count the stars in the sky.

Girl: Aww, it's infinite!

Me: No, just a waste of time.

What's the difference between you and me?

I have a plan for this new year.

So long, suckers. Keep scrolling.

My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.

I was lying on the bed the other night and my missus was playing with my cock, trying to get it to go hard. She asked me what's the matter? I said, "I just don't find women without hair very attractive."

My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."

I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."

My wife saw me hit the best drive yesterday with my golf clubs.

I must have drove that chihuahua 300 yards.

Do you want to hear a dark joke? Let me turn the lights off.

A teacher walked up to me and said, "How did we get butt cracks?"

I was like 4, so I said, "You had an earthquake on your booty."

Bootylicious lol

Me: You know your parents were very good people.

Orphan: Wow, I didn’t know that.

Me: I know, you're an orphan.

I said to the orphan, "Do you want me to take you to your family? Oh wait..."

My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"

"Islam it is."

Your mama so fat when she sits on the toilet it sings, "ABC, 123, get your fat ass off of me!"

The woman became extremely uncomfortable with the man she had just met. While he lay beside her, romantically kissing and stroking her neck he whispered, “I called the number you gave me at the bar tonight. Someone named Alvin answered who has never heard of you.”

A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."

Does anyone still look at this? If you do, tell me if I should make more jokes :)

What did the hamster say to the penis? "Ha, you look just like me!"

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.

So in a triathlon, it would all come down to whoever can ride a bike the fastest.