ME jokes
I was raped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?
Friend: Yeah, sure.
Me: *pulls out gun*
Me- *crying in the shower*
Also me- *why is my toaster in here?*
They call me an elevator because I let people down.
Sister: You're adopted.
Me: At least they wanted me, they must feel terribly bad cuz they had to keep you :(
Add me on Discord! @ moon💕#9999
Moxxie: ThEy CaLlEd Me A pOsSuM!! i'M nOt A pOsSuM!!
My friend: "Hey, I see a dwarf!"
Me: "Where?"
Friend: "In front of me."
I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!
Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!
My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved!
Person: What's your perfect date look like?
Me: Oh, just hanging around in a tree.
What do me and Monster cans have in common? A barcode.
My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.
I’ll be hanging with them for a while.
Me: Mom, can I have some makeup?
Mom: No. You are beautiful just the way you are.
Me: So that’s why you wear makeup?
Teacher: What's 3 minus 1? Me: I don't know. Teacher: How about this, you have three cakes, I take one. How many cakes do you have? Me: Three. Teacher: If I take one cake from your three, what do you have? Me: Three cakes and a dead teacher.
Little Johnny walked into his parents' room to see them going at it.
He asked his mom what they were doing, and she said, "Uh, we're play fighting," and he's like, "With no clothes on?"
She said, "Yeah," and so he said, "Let me join you then..."
Ya ever think about the twin towers plan?
Me neither. It all came crashing down.
My mom asked me if I was okay, so I replied, "I will be," and jumped out the window!
I didn't get the joke at first, then it hit me like a plane.
Science teacher: How many times can the earth fit into the sun?
Me: As many times as the earth can fit into you.