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ME jokes

My mother was so sad after my grandpa's death, she went into the bathroom with my uncle, and I could hear their moans of sorrow. She then surprised me later on, saying that she was pregnant.

If someone told me to bring up 9/11, they were trying to make a funny joke, but it didn't work.

That one really *crashed and burned*.

TELL ME YOU'VE DONE THIS WITHOUT TELLING ME YOU'VE DONE THIS.!!! So, we all know when y'all were in school, y'all would fart, but y'all would try to make it silent, but for me, that one day I farted loud, and everyone could hear. Everyone got to blame the annoying kid.

Donald Trump and the Pope were standing on a platform in front of a crowd of people. The Pope said to Donald Trump, “I can make everyone in this audience happy with one small swipe of my hand.”

Donald Trump replies, “That’s not possible. You’ll have to show me.” Then the Pope slaps him.

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."

If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?

An American.

Bully: My d*ck is longer than your password. Me: I don't have a password. So you *won't* have a d*ck after I tear it off you.

As a murderer, I stabbed a man after infiltrating his house. His wife came in and saw me. She fell into tears. I got up and said, "Drama queen!"

I was trying to tell some people here to stop, but then I found out that the S was covered in blood from me assaulting someone.

I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.

Me, an orphan: *laughing at orphan jokes*

Some person: Stop laughing, it's sad to laugh at your pain.

Me, an orphan: That's the funny part, what am I going to do, tell my parents?