What did Yoda say to Luke during his wedding ceremony? May divorce be with you.
You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"
You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."
How did Peter Parker get caught as Spider Man? Well, he weaved a really tangled web and Aunt May saw it.
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.
A man and a cow walk into a McDonalds, and the man walks up to the front counter and says “I’d like one beef burger.” The employee of McDonalds said “Sure thing sir, also I really like to see your cow, may I bring him into the back room really quick to show my co-workers?” The man says “Sure.” The employee takes the cow into the back room. A couple minutes later the employee came back with his burger. The man took a bite of it, and released his cow was gone.
Q: a mom had 5 children - January, febuary, march, april what is the name of the fifth child? A: What.
Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.
Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.
After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."
Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.
Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"
I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder
A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"
Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork, But bigger ones need a crane.
This boy was in school one day when he became desparate to go to the bathroom. So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"
The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."
So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."
When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"
The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."
I heard the man who invented Autocorrect died; may he wrist in peach.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
How may times do you tickle an octopus to get it to laugh Ten-tickles!
My syndrome may be down but my hopes are always up
Can February march? -- No, but April may.
What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar?
"May I push your stool in?"
