Marriage jokes
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.
Mia: I'm pregnant again, Paul. I can't wait for you to come home.
Paul: I got a tree to hit on the way.
It's been raining for days. My wife is totally depressed. She keeps looking through the window. If this keeps up, I'll have to let her in.
What’s the worst joke ever? Your parents’ relationship.
My wife said if I rape her again, she would leave me. Why didn't anyone tell me it was that easy?
*Riddle:* All men have one, some got long, some got small. The Pope never uses his, and a man gives it to his wife after getting married. What is it?
Marry or don't marry, you will regret both!
Dishwasher rape is another word for marital obligations.
If a gay male is married to a well-endowed, physically challenged gay male that has been sleeping in bed for three hours nonstop, and he wants him to wake up so he can fix him his morning breakfast, how does he wake him up?
Wake up sleeping Jesus by giving him a blowjob.
Why was Mrs. Claus upset?
Because Santa only comes once a year.
You want to get her pregnant before marriage to know if she's fertile, so why not marry a single mother that already has proof?
Why don’t cheetahs get married?
They always cheat on each other.
A mother and son were in the backyard, and the son finished building a shed. The mother says, "You're the best husband ever."
Why can’t orphans get married in Alabama?
Because they don’t have a sister.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?
He wiped.
So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network.
The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can't cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can't f*ck."
Wife: Honey, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad. Wife: No, you’re not.
A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."
Q: What's the difference between rape and marriage?
A: With marriage, you get to keep the screaming woman afterwards.