A man robs a bank and asks a woman, "Did you see that?"
She says, "Yes." So the man shoots her.
He leaves the bank and sees a couple. He asks, "Did you see that?" The husband said, "No, but my wife did!"
What did the man say when he swallowed a clock and tried to go to the bathroom?
WATCH OUT!!!
What's the difference between Batman and a Black man???
Batman can go out at night without Robin.
Why are people in Japan so thin?
Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.
Did you see that Chinese man with no legs?
No, I'm blind.
Stop ruining my jokes.
Isn't that the Chinese man with no legs' fault?
It's not like He Go Ann Hi Weh.
An African man visits his friend in the US.
“I just flew in yesterday,” the African man says. “And boy are my arms tired!”
“You know, that’s kind of an old joke here in America,” replied his friend.
“Joke?” the African man said. “I’ve been holding my hands in the air yelling ‘don’t shoot’ ever since I got to this damn country!”
What is the name of the political party in the United States that was founded in 1971 and has lost a presidential election since 1972, and is more politically corrupted than the man boy love association of America because it is politically motivated?
Libertarian Party.
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
Why couldn't a lifeguard save the hippie? -- Because he was too far out, man.
A cop pulls a man over and finds out he's drunk. So he asks for license and registration, and the drunk man says, "Can I see your flashlight?"
The cop says, "Just give me your license and registration." So drunk guy says, "Not until you give me your flashlight."
The cop said, "For what?" and the drunk guy says, "So I can shine it in your face and see what an asshole looks like."
Man: Hey kids, who wants milk?
Kids: Me!
Man: *unzips fly*
Why are people surprised by Johnny Depp having $30,000 wine bills, domestic violence accusations, rampant substance abuse, poor hygiene, and the looks of a predator?
He grew up a Florida Man, after all.
A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says, "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says, "Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says, "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says, "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."
Gays: I like men.
Straights: I like women.
Russia: Hole is hole.
Why did the homeless man stop to help the kids cross the street?
To get them into his van.
When Ant-Man is the size of an atom, how can he breathe?
Three blonde girls are on an island, and they are much too far away from land to swim. They find a genie on the island who offers them each one wish. The first girl says, "I wish I was smart enough to get off this island!" So the genie makes her a redheaded girl, she cuts down a tree, makes it into a boat, and proceeds to row off the island.
The next girl says, "I wish I was even smarter than her so I don't have to do so much manual labor!" So she turns into a brunette and makes a sailboat and lets the wind take her off the island.
The final girl says, "I wish I was smarter than both of them!" So she turns into a man and takes the bridge.
If a man kills a kid, it's called Murder.
If a woman kills a kid, it's called Reproductive Rights.
A man can form Jupiter girls came from Venus, and other genders came right from Uranus.
A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.
