Man jokes

How do you surprise a blind man? Put a plunger in the toilet.

A man walked into a toilet and saw a woman fingering a man and said, "I think you're doing it wrong." Turns out it was two transvestites.

Some man was walking too slow, so I told him to Mufasa.

A cop pulls over an old man.

The cop walks up to the old man and says, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

The old man said, "No."

Man 1: Why don’t we just put all the debt in the world on one man, then kill him?

Man 2: We tried that once. It started a cult.

A man walks into a bar and then out.

A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."

What do you call a heterosexual man performing fellatio on another heterosexual man?

Bisexual.

So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."

Medusa makes men hard.

What is the favorite movie of orphans?

Spider-Man: Homecoming.

A man walks into a bar and says, "I'm feeling depressed. What do you have to cheer me up?"

The bartender replied: "A shotgun."

Why are gay men so rude? Because they're fucking assholes.

What did a man say to his boy?

You are my son.

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?

He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.

Why is it everyone wants to rub a pregnant woman's stomach but never the man's balls where the baby actually came from and the real ones that deserve the congratulations?

As an older brother, I always gave my little sister advice. I always said to do your best and never quit. So one day I went to her room. I see my sister giving married men blow jobs.

I ask what are you doing? The married men said she is giving us blow jobs because our wives don't do it. My sister said you told me to do your best, and my best is to suck them dry. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder.

I went into the supermarket; everything was half off. Of course, I took the bottom half of Spider-Man.