Man

Man jokes

Add joke

Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "Your hair color is fabulous." Woman: "Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store."

Man: "You look like a dream." Woman: "Go back to sleep."

Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Yes, I want you to leave."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not enter. -OR- Stop."

Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?" Woman: "I hate you."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

  • 4

    • A man with a gun and a sword walks into a bar, sees a girl, and falls in love with her.

    Man: "Hey, you are one beautiful girl. Will you be my girlfriend?"

    Girl: "No, because you have a gun and a sword."

    Man: "But I am already in love with you."

    And then the man leaves to get the girl flowers and candy.

    The girl is glad that he has gone, until thirty minutes later, when he shows up again.

    Man: "Here are some flowers for you, beautiful girl."

    And the girl throws the flowers in his face, and then everyone in the bar laughs, even the bartender.

    Man: "And here is some candy."

    And the girl throws the candy in his face, and everyone in the bar laughs again, and some teenagers walking down the street see it as well, and then they start laughing too.

    One of the teenagers says "Hahaha, that is so funny. Seeing a man give a girl candy, and the girl throwing it in his face to show him that she hates him."

    Girl: "I hate you, ugly man!"

    Man: "Bartender, can I get some candy for my girl?"

    The bartender laughs when he hears that, and then he says "Are you crazy? We don't serve-"

    And then the man shoots the bartender with his gun and stabs him with his sword. An old man walking down the street can't believe what he just saw, so he calls the police to arrest the man who killed the bartender.

    999 Service Guy: "999, what's your emergency?"

    Old man: "I just walked past a bar, and I saw a man shoot and stab the bartender. Can you please get the police to arrest him? Tell them he is the man with a gun and a sword in his bag."

    999 Service Guy: "Okay, no worries."

    1 Hour later, the first man tries to dance the tango with the girl, and the girl kicks him in the leg, and then he tries to kiss her, and she punches him in the face.

    Guy sitting at a table in the bar: "That man is crazy. Trying to kiss a girl who hates him."

    And the police show up.

    First Policeman: "Which man has a gun and a sword in his bag?"

    The girl points to the man and says "This man."

    Second Policeman: "Let's arrest him."

    Man: "No, wait! I can explain."

    Third Policeman: "Get in the back of the car."

    When the police get to the Police Station with the man, the first policeman says "You will stay in prison for 10 years."

    One week later, the man breaks the bars and escapes prison.

    The police see him and run after him.

    Third Policeman: "Come back here!"

    The man doesn't listen, and he keeps running, so the police shoot him and he dies.

    And instead of saying rest in peace on his gravestone, it says rest in pieces.

    A man told his love interest she looked beautiful.

    And then his love interest told him she had loads of things to tell him.

    And after 3 minutes, she told him he looked fat, ugly, disgusting, creepy, and tiny.

    Then the police came and arrested her for saying that.

    A man gets arrested after writing "MORBID JOKES COMING OUT THIS TIME NEXT YEAR!" and "I'm gay!"

    An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.

    Man: "Hey, cute lady!"

    Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."

    Man: "Not for long!"

    And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.

    Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"

    Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."

    Woman: "Never."

    And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.

    Man: "You look like a dream."

    Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."

    Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"

    Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"

    And then the man orders flowers and candy.

    Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."

    And the man shoots the bartender.

    Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.

    A man gets kicked out of police camp after writing "Who's that Pokémon?" next to all of the chalk outlines.

    3 men go to hell. Satan says if you can question me and I can't answer, you go to heaven.

    The first man asks if Satan knew how to make computers. He goes to hell. The next man asks if he knew how to make furniture. He goes too. The third man pokes a ton of holes in a bottle cap and farts in the bottle, asks Satan where the fart came from. Satan said every possible answer and the man pointed to his butthole and said "nope this one"😂

    There was a doctor's room filled with 20 women, 4 kids, 15 men, and 1 dog. However, there were forty foreheads. How is this possible?

    (They will think 44 heads, not 40 foreheads.)

    Because there are 40 foreheads, not 44 heads.

    A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"

    Person 1 says to Person 2: "I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith."

    So Person 2 says to Person 1: "What's the name of his other leg?"

    A man was taking a young child into the woods.

    The young child said, "Mister, it's getting dark and I'm scared."

    The man replied with, "How do you think I feel? I have to go back alone."

    One night, a girl said to her family, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodnight Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa." The next morning, her grandpa died. That night, she said, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodbye Grandma." The next morning, the grandma died. The dad started to fear for his life because he was next. That night, the girl said, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodbye Daddy." The next morning, the dad woke up and he was perfectly fine, but when he went into the kitchen, he saw his wife crying. When he asked her what's wrong, she said, "The mailman died."

    A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."